Dear online diary, I am soup

Lately, I've been struggling to write things that should just come out naturally since there is not much introspection involved (I think) in writing them. Depth is average, I thought too. Understanding is average. Explanation should be. Memorability should be too. But, I thought long and hard and understood that I had to think harder. I thought it was simple.

This will be a post regarding my thoughts lately and the confusion that led to relatively longer process of writing them.

1. I have no clue with what I'm doing now - I've been working on my own for nearly a year now. After graduation, it was all I could think about. Come to think of it, ever since I had a son, it was all I could think about. I said to myself "I will build an empire for my prince" which is actually true up to this point but I had no image in my head how to do it. And now that I'm working, I still have no clue to what I'm doing. I'm amazed at the fact that I still have a job and that I haven't been kicked out (earlier.) This politics thing is just exhaustive and I start to wonder why people do this much to get to government seats. I'll talk about this when I get the time but the political machinery, planning, scheming, destroying, tapping, teabagging, creeping, spending, sleeping on the job and a whole lot more is just dizzying. I feel like a dog at the office, just waiting for my food to be served. I also think that I am dumb, in one way or another.

2. I don't remember things as much as I have to. Tattoos don't help nor commemorative items - I have this scar on my left hand that signifies my birth into circle. Yes, I remember the tenets but no, I do not remember the pain that I had to endure to get it. I love that scar but I don't remember how ideological I was back then when I was on the process of healing. I was shiny in every which way that a new member should be, reciting in my head the many different ideals the scar stood for. That's just me. Sometimes I think that I just don't really give a fuck about the more important things in my life right now. I am just drifting by and letting myself be swept to any which way the current goes. I think it's kind of a good thing but a majority of that thinking tells me to give more thought into remembering the more important things, people and events. I don't suck at remembering things, I guess. I'm just good at not caring enough.

3. I fail every single time. - I think I have an attention span of a goldfish. Maybe that's why number 3 is too short. I have to write down things so I don't forget~ what was I talking about again?

4. I let go of people I should care more about. Hence, number 2. - Generally, right. Maybe that's why most of the friends I've made during the earlier years of my life have been recent strangers to me, even the good ones, too. That just sucks. They've all got their groups all intact and there's me, on another plane of existence. Whoa, deep. I'm trying to make an effort of mending old friendships and trying to keep the ones I have right now. Is it me or is it getting depressing more and more as the list gets longer?

5. Politics. Fuck me. - This pretty much sums it up.

6. I'm looking at the people I know, people hard at work, and I wonder what I'm doing with mine. - I get up to look at pages of my old planner and see some scribbles I did back then. The answer still eludes me. There are all these good people doing things that they are really good at and having a good time. Maybe, some of them are like that but the rest are doing fine. And then I look at my office desk and see nothing getting done. Or I do these things but just have to push extra hard, even the simpler ones need nudge down the already steep hill. I can't seem to get on the bandwagon.

 

There are a couple more things that I'd like to write about but I can't seem to wrap my words around them. I need my muse.