135 Filipino Building

Well.

Maraming dapat sabihin pero saan ba ako magsisimula. Siguro dun nalang sa parteng gumugulong na uli ang buhay ko sa maraming paraan. May bagong trabaho na pakiramdam ko ay magsisimulang magbigay sakin ng direksyon na kailangan ko ngayon. Nakakatuwa lang dahil saktong sa linggo ng kaarawan ko e nagkaroon ako ng trabaho. Sakto. Birthday gift. Katunayan nga eh niregaluhan ako ng mga kaopisina ko ng cake at pinagsaluhan namin yun. Mababait sila at kwela. My kind of people.

Nagbirthday ako sa steps ng building kung saan nakabase ang opisina namin. Kakatapos lang kasi ng shift at nag overtime rin kami dahil sa mga ginagawang trabaho. Can't complain. It feels better this way. Maraming dapat ipagpasalamat, isa na dun ang mga kasama ko sa opisina.

Happy 23d!

Writing job ang nakuha ko. Para sa'kin eh nakakatuwa rin yun dahil mapili ako sa mga posisyong inapply-an ko. Sabi nga ng nanay ko, ma-pride raw ako. Sagot ko na lang, ganun talaga e. Mas gusto kong magamit ang mga pinag-aralan ko sa isang trabahong bubuhay sa'kin at sa pamilya ko. Isang uri yun ng pride na sa tingin ko e mabuti para sa'kin. Pride. Nakakatuwang pakinggan.

Dito ko masasabing lalago ang kakayahan ko bilang manunulat. Hindi man pulitikal o kahit may bahid ng social pro-activism ang gampanin ko bilang manunulat eh masasabi ko namang masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Mas mabuti na yun kesa sa isang trabahaong ginagawa mo lang para sa kakarampot na sweldo at masabing "may trabaho ako."

Isa pang dapat kong banggitin sa sulatin kong ito ang pagkakaroon ng pangalawang pagkakataon para maging mas mabuting kapareha sa aking sinisinta. Wanep, "sinisinta." Pero pwera biro, salamat para doon. Alam kong sablay ako sa maraming bagay at mahalaga sa akin ang mga nangyaring yun. Mahal kita, alam mo yan. Siguro lang ay mas maganda kung sinasabi ko ang mga ito sa harap mo. Ganito lang ako, pero pramis, mula rito magiging ayos na ang lahat.

Saka na lang uli. Salamat pa rin. Nasabi ko na ba yun?

It’s been a few months since I’d last held work in my hands. I recently left my job to look for better opportunities. So far, my applications have been unanswered. A risky move, really. Knowing that I have a son to support, a family to help and a promise to keep. I can’t say that I’ve been that much of slacker, I can’t say I have been the opposite either.

My hiatus in almost everything has brought about realizations and pained truths. In my relationships, self-appreciation, pride and on areas too many to mention. It hasn’t been too hard nor has it been too easy. It is a pedal malfunction. Way too many things unattended and undervalued.

I had suffered a few setbacks in my relationships. I’ve fallen out with people I should have taken care of. I’d lost the respect of people I have looked up to and have been forever indebted to. The factors in maintaining good relationships have risen up and my scores are on an all time low. So much for my investment in people. I have reduced myself to a mere companionator – not in the sense of a movie quip that meant “pimp.”

A funny thing really, I find myself good company – maybe too good of a company even for myself. I scare people and the book of Neil Strauss isn’t exactly helping me acquire the necessary social skills I need to work in the real world. Too much theory, I’m too afraid to put it to work. I’m starting to ask myself how I had managed to hold on to these people, and how, for that matter, did they manage to be in good ties with me for so long? I think I am now getting the response.

This is nothing but a diary entry that has been long overdue. It feels normal. A soliloquy but not in the poetic sense – more on the depraved and desperate sense. All I have are my caps to block people’s looks and my glasses that have been scratched way more than they need to be. My playlist consists of good melodies and my head with the fantasies I fail to keep even in my dreams. What fucking luck – I don’t even believe in that shit. 

Fucking. 

Useless.

I can’t say I’ve invested my time and resources in the wrong people, it’s just that they could be made on a more reasonable time. I’ve had lapses in judgement, I don’t deny these things. The only worse thing I can do is deny myself of the justice that I’ve paraded in the faces of people all these years. You don’t get that fucking low. Clearly, I have anger issues. My good friend had said it to me once, jokingly. I felt flush. Depressed and angry. What a fucking nice mix. There’s no way you can drink around that.

domesticated

A friend and I got together over a bottle of drink and a shared meal of chicken patties and sweet bread. I think it was day-old, though still good and filling. I couldn’t complain. We have gone back and forth on many points of discussion and agreement that night: past experiences, people we last talked to, friends who are too good and those who can’t make the cut and the definition of the term “in-between-jobs.” It was a fun night.

I believe that they are enjoying their life as a married couple. It is a life they shared with their son. I was blessed enough to be there to celebrate their union and their son’s coming into the religious world. As a past-professional who used words for a living, I can’t quite figure out how to put my thought process on this thing. I am just proud and happy to see them enjoying their current status.

The night started with a glass of chocolate vodka. He said it reeked of drink and apologized for the apparent ratio. It was nothing to worry about. I didn’t come for the drink... those of you who have followed this ‘acrid’ blog would know that I just lied. It was a good mix, I ought to make something like that one of these days. We shared the dim night with a few more swigs of the stuff and went on with our like-minded take on the topic of intermediate school and the people and doctrine that filled it. We could swear that we would have ended up way different than what we are now had we gone to the same campus in college. We shook our heads to the possible outcomes.

He’s a freethinker – though not the kind that shunned deities or religious beliefs. He just took things into stride and made use of aspects that would best set him a good view on things. We should’ve known each other more in the last seven years. It would be a huge relief to have a fellow spirit. He’s a shot away at being in a better disposition than me. I’m a walking spent shell.

The drink went on and we couldn’t clink glasses, we used just one glass to fill our already warmed up guts with more drink. Nostalgia sets in. We used to drink this clear blue stuff more back in the day. Feeling old gets old. It’s a good thing we can’t go back, that’d be too easy and stupid.

Hipster couple. That’s what I called them. Talented writers, too. Now, they're a domesticated hipster couple with a charming son. They quipped that no one ever really tells them from whom their son took after. “They always say it’s a mix.”

orayts

Isang mabuting bagay ang nangyari sa akin noong nakaraang araw.

Balak ko sanang dumaan sa Diliman para makipagkita sa isang batchmate ko noon sa UP. Brod ko rin siya sa Frat kaya naging masaya ang kwentuhan namin habang kumakain ng pan de coco na binili namin mula sa isang naglalako sa loob ng campus. Naka-bike yung tindero. Nagkwentuhan kami tungkol sa mga panahong lumipas. Good times, good times. Tawanan lang at nag-usap na rin tungkol sa patutunguhan ng mga buhay namin. Uninspired at medyo bigo. Nasa slump kasi kami pareho. We need to get over that hill.

Hindi pa iyon ang mabuting nangyari sa nakaraang araw. May nag-tweet sa'kin na dating kaklase sa kolehiyo. Sabi niya, na-publish raw ako sa Young Blood. May mas bubuti pa pala sa buhay na walang sakit at simple ang problema. 

Bata pa lamang kasi ako ay gusto ko nang ma-publish sa Young Blood. Nakakatuwang isipin na nangyari na at sa panahon pang hirap akong maghanap ng magandang bagay na dapat ipagdiwang. 

Nanay ko rin kasi ang nagsabing magiging proud siya sakin pag na-publish ang gawa ko dun. Ayan, pinabasa ko sa kanya at tinanong kung na-gets nya ba. Sabi lang e "Okay naman. Hopeful. Ano ba ibig mo'ng sabihin dito?" Alangya, nanay ko nga talaga 'to. Kahit di na nya gets e "good job, anak!" pa rin ang sagot. Naglambing ako sa nanay ko noong inabot ko yung dyaryo, alam ko na maliit na bagay lang 'to pero it's the little victories in life that make us remember the grand narrative of a 'beautiful life.' Isang simpleng pangarap na hindi inakalang matutupad. Niyakap ko ang nanay ko mula sa likod habang nakaupo siya sa kama at sabay halik sa balikat, buti nalang hindi niya pinansin yung bilbil kong dumikit sa tagiliran niya.

Isang mabuting bagay ang nangyari.

Itinuloy na rin namin ang kasiyahan namin sa bahay. Inimbitahan ko ang dalawang Brods ko na parehong galing sa UP Baguio para makita naman nila ang little piece of heaven namin. Nagkatuwaan na ring magdagdag ng drinks at magkwentuhan nang mas mahaba. Ipinagdiwang din namin ang Mayo Uno sa pamamagitan ng pag-ubos sa tatlong litrong beer na nagpapawis sa lamig. Halos matuyuan na kasi kami ng katawan sa sobrang init ng panahon.

si batchmate at si bunso

Nag-enjoy daw sila sa bahay. Masasarap raw ang pagkain. Panalong panalo raw yung sopas na niluto ng tatay ko. Hangover cure. Crunchy din daw yung daing na dilis na niluto ko pang pulutan. Masarap talaga yun.

Buti nalang may mga mabuting bagay pang nangyayari.

Happy sunflowers!

The sunflowers along UP Diliman drive are now starting to wilt. Their once awaited bloom gave many graduates and parents the awe that comes with their sunset orange and golden pigments. They are but one of the many symbols of cliche closing of books and opening of new ones.

Graduation, the word feels like a voice of a stranger on the phone. Though only having graduated one year ago, I believe that I have outgrown the word or maybe I have never even got used to it. I didn't know how to graduate. Just last week I found myself rambling to a good friend that my degree was useless and that may have even found a job even if I hadn't graduated from UP. I wanted to slap myself across the face, in a third person perspective kind of way. A hard and unforgiving slap was in due.

My Facebook news feed has been riddled by graduation posts lately. While most are very inspiring and touching, others are just too much. I'm not trying to rain on their parades, they've earned it. Only, the volume of grad-related posts are just too much for me. I guess, it has to do with my earlier feelings. Again, I wanted to slap myself, also, I wanted to slap others, too.

This may have come from the fact that I think my college life was uneventful. I think, up to now, that I could have done more. 'No regrets' was just a thing I only got to tell myself in the recent past. But I have many things to tell the young graduates, some of my Fraternity Brothers also finished school last 26th of April. I'm not preaching, I really don't like that word.

1. One of the first things that I've learned since I graduated from college is that you don't get things handed to you, not even your jeepney fare. I must admit, I thought college was difficult. Now, that remains to be just a thought I had years ago. You have to work for everything.

2. You can't cram your way into making a good future. I thought back then that I could do the petty procrastination shit that I was so used to. I have never been wrong. Even if I wanted to hustle so much to make get things to self-actualize for me, there was no way it could be done. Hard work pays, big time.

3. Save money. Be a miser. Seriously, sticks and stones may break my bones but having zero pesos in your bank account is not a good thing. Especially if you've just started getting a grip on things. I bet you couldn't even live on the contents of your pocket if you lost your newly earned job right now.

4. In connection to number three, we take the 'live now' thing too seriously. I do, but don't take my word for it. 'Live now' too much and you'll wake up one day with nothing to eat tomorrow. All you've got are the bottles of booze and the nagging feeling of being uninspired and being burnt out. Don't spend everything you have on one go and money is not everything that is spent.

5. Wear your clothes to the ground. I've heard someone talk about dressing up to match your qualifications, it is true for some time but not in the everyday way of things. Nice clothes are a reward and if you already have a working wardrobe, be contented with it. You can have the nicest things in the world and still have an zero in your credentials. Remember to 'self-actualize' as vicioustwist called it. Wear your socks until they have no garters, wear your jeans until they fray at the seams and the rivets pop, these are just material things.

I've so much to add to this but I don't want to sound preachy, I'm already narcissistic, why add another folly?

Reality Bites 1 : Beef steak

I've been planning on working on a different tag of work to be put up on this blog. As my frequent readers know, I ramble about the most narcissistic shit on this space. It seems to me that I've been putting up more posts that start with "I" and feature me and my fucking rants as the starrrs. It gets fucking old.

One thing that I'm looking at is writing about people that I know. This idea came up since the people I know that are worth writing about have no background in writing or they think they suck at it, obviously, they haven't even tried writing or reading the shit I post here. That's why I think it's appropriate for me to tell their stories. Use their experiences as a glass of reality that we can peer through with thought and maybe, some introspection.

People have beautiful lives. Though they ruin it with contempt, free will and greed of varying degrees. I've been thinking of which person to feature in this series. It's difficult work since there are a lot of people who have stories that are worthy of storytelling. Then, last night happened. My uncle died.

Fuck yeah, ACL. Fuck yeah, vicioustwist.

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

May 21st, 2008 | Categories: Random | by Michael Williams

Generally I don’t look to Craigslist for advice, but I remember reading this post a while back and some of these things have been with me ever since. I am by no means advocating everything that is said below, and have never taken a political or any other sort of position on this website. So read this with a grain of salt and take from it what does or does not appeal to you.

++ Date:2007-02-15, 9:08AM PST — Advice to Young Men from an Old Man ++

1. Don’t pick on the weak. It’s immoral. Don’t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.

2. Don’t hate women. It’s a waste of time

3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.

4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.

5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don’t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people’s economic or political interests.

6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent’s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.

7. Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative”. They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you’ll see what I mean.

8. Don’t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don’t want to come off as cynical.

9. You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit.

10. Don’t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement’s primary purpose is to suppress you.

11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.

12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone [sic] Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.

13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.

14. Don’t be afraid to tell people to “fuck off” when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.

15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don’t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you’ll find your wife fucking somebody else.

16. Keep fit.

17. Don’t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she is wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you’ll take her part.

18. Don’t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don’t humiliate her. Don’t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don’t do it where you live. Don’t do it with people in your social circle. Don’t shit in your own back yard.

19. If your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That’s what girlfriends are for.

20. Don’t bother with “emotional affairs”. They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That’s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they’re probably fucking someone else.

21. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.

22. Have and nurture friendships with women.

23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You’re going to see some girl and feel like you’ll die if you don’t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It’s her loss.

24. Don’t be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young “women” seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like “hole” as in “fuck my hole” or seeks “masculine” men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of “Don’t send a cock shot.”) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30′s or older.

25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you “the look”. Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don’t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.

26. Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.

27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you’ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You’ll find a welcoming community there.

28. Don’t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bonafides.

29. Don’t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically,women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by our educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed Ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn’t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.

vicioustwist | sanfrancisco |02-15-07

...

This is from A Continuous Lean, those who are familiar with the site will know the happiness in my heart after reading this post. It's from a man of taste, style, provenance and impeccable nature.

Forgive the grammatical errors, the author of ACL intentionally left the errors in place, much as I have done to retain the essence of the article. I think the post is highly motivational and consists of real talk points for young men as well as other members of our society. 

Though placed in an Americana setting, the salient point in the article ring true. The many fallacies and legends are falling apart, much like the decaying notion of what it takes to be a man.

I thought myself as someone who has grown into something desirable, as per my preferences but as days go on, I realize that I am far from the man I want to be: words, actions and thoughts wise. And that path to discovery that I am still to take excites the hell out of me. It always will. Even if I get to that age when I still try to kick my way out of a headstone.

There are indeed many things that make a man. But don't take my word for it.

round two

this is how we die
nakaw mula sa kaibigang balikbayan

Heto na naman nga at nagpopost ako ng litrato ng ininom namin noong sabado lang. Kagagaling ko lamang ng Bicol upang bumisita sa mga kamag-anak at ito ang sumalubong sa akin. Hindi naman ako umaangal pero hanggang ngayon ay malabnaw pa rin ang dugo ko dahil sa dami ng alkohol na aming nakonsumo noong araw na iyon.

Masaya ang pagsasalu-salo namin. Bumalik kasi ng bansa ang isa sa aming pinakamalapit na kaibigan, treat nya ang alak at sagot namin ang pag-ubos nito. Plastado kami nang maubos ito. Buti nalang at maraming yelo pangkontra na rin sa sobrang init ng panahon. Wala kaming litrato habang nagkakasiyahan dahil abala sa pakikipagkwentuhan.

Minsan naiisip ko kung totoo bang tinatanggap ko na ang responsibilidad ng isang pagiging young adult. Napapansin ko kasing hindi naman nabawasan ang pakikisama ko sa mga kaibigan ko kahit na nagkaroon na kami ng mga trabaho at kanya kanyang pinagkakaabalahan. 

Tumatanda kami pero parang hindi umuusad sa responsibilidad. Ang ginagawa ko nalang pag ganoon ang naiisip ko ay tinatagayan ko pa ang sarili ko nang mas mataas na shot, boom, tapos ang pagninilay-nilay. Sinasamantala ko lang ang panahon hangga't kaya. Mabuti na yung ganoon para sa'kin. 

Mas mahirap naman maghanap ng ganitong samahan kesa magpapayat at magbawas ng bisyo. Maswerte talaga ako sa buhay ko. Pakshet.

red ink, hard liquor, food and family

A good buddy of mine recently celebrated his birthday. We've known each other since we were in grade school and have suffered and enjoyed the same tumbles and initiations of early life. Along with two other friends, we watched ourselves as we all marched into manhood.

He had prepared everything for us to be drunk kings and hooligans. Home cooked meals that gave warmth to our bellies and the heart as well. His family had moved to Baliuag and since then, we haven't seen his family as often as we did back in our younger days.

To say that the night we spent over at their place is an understatement. We drank, ate and laughed our asses. His mom and pop welcomed us like we were long lost children, telling us how much they've missed us and recounted the stories of old. His mother even served us a meal that was very special for us since we always had the same good food for our new year cookout: carbonara with white sauce and bacon bits. It was such a nice feeling. They are all good folks, my buddy's family, they are.

Slowly, it dawned to me, after the haze of alcohol that we all enjoyed so much and the brotherhood that we've shared throughout the years we knew each other: we were men now but kids in us never left.

I just hope that it stays the same. Sometimes, there are just things that are not meant to change.

We are currently waiting for the fourth guy to get back home for a vacation in the coming month. We already miss him and our guts are ready for another all nighter. 

Act like gentlemen, drink like motherfuckers.

black march

Hindi ko na sasabihing kawawa ang mga naiwan ni Kristel Tejada sa kaniyang paglisan sa pisikal na mundo. Hindi ko na rin sasabihing malaki ang pagkukulang ng Unibersidad sa kanilang pagpapalakad sa dapat ay maayos na sistema ng pagtingin ng kakayahan upang makapagbayad ng matrikula. Tapos na ang usaping iyon para sa akin dahil wala na nga si Kristel. Naupos siya ng mga pagkukulang at kamalian sa kasalukuyang panahon. Naupos siya nang hindi inaasahan at sa maagang panahon.

Coed suicide sparks soul seaching at UP | Inquirer banner

March 19, 2013

Mali talaga ang nangyari sa kaso nni Kristel. Isa itong classic na halimbawa ng kawalan ng hustisya sa bansa na pilit na kinukubli ng mga nasa puwesto at siya rin namang todo romantisado ng ibang mga taong putok bunganga lang sa isyu ngunit walang tunay na pagkakaintindi rito. Hindi sana nawala si Kristel kung nakahanap siya ng pera pangmatrikula, hindi rin sana nasisi ang kasalukuyang pamahalaan ng Unibersidad sa pangyayaring ito pero andito na nga. Nawalan ng isang prospektibong mamamayan at mag-aaral ang bansa dahil sa napakaraming dahilan na hindi naman talaga maaaring ilista bilang buong katotohanan at solidong katibayan.

Mahirap magsabi na "Sana hindi siya namatay kung may hustisya talaga sa loob ng paaralan" at mahirap ding banggitin na "Sana maganda ang pamamalakad sa loob ng Unibersidad at maintindihan ang [tunay] na kalalagayan ng mga estudyante." Sa tingin ko, hindi naman ganoon ang nararapat na istilo sa pagharap sa kasalukuyang mga pangyayari. Hindi na nga maibabalik ang buhay ng Iskolar na nilagutan ng isang bote ng silver cleaner at sa ganuong perspektibo ay dapat hindi na rin husgahan ang labanan. 

Hindi nga naman maibabalik ng diskurso si Kristel ngunit isa itong daan upang maiwasan ang pagkakaroon ng panibagong kasong tulad nito. Maraming mga estudyante sa Unibersidad ang nangangapa sa mga salat na bulsa para makapagbayad ng tuition, at hindi lang sa U.P. ito naging problema at karanasan. Laganap. Sa pamamagitan ng pagbababa ng pulitikal na motibo at personal na interes ay magagawan ng paraan ang pagkukulang na ito sa parehong perspektibo: mag-aaral at Unibersidad.

Naging matalino lang sana ang mga tao sa pagharap sa pagkawala ni Kristel. Kung hindi man maging matalino ay maging mapag-unawa sa pangyayari. Hindi tanga si Kristel dahil kinitil niya ang sariling buhay. Hindi rin naman walang puso ang Unibersidad dahil hindi nakapag-enroll si Kristel. Ang pagbabaling ng sisi sa kung kanino at kung saan saan ay nakakainsulto lang sa pagkawala ni Kristel.

Hindi madaling mag-apply sa STFAP. Alam ko yun dahil nasubukan kong gawin nang isang beses at hindi na ako nakaulit pa dahil naging mas mahirap ang application process nito noong sumunod na taon. Marami na ngang mga mayayamang estudyante ang nakakapasok sa Unibersidad at dapat lang nga na magbayad sila ng mas mataas na matrikula base sa kinikita ng kanilang mga magulang. To each his own. Isang problema kasi ay maraming sagabal sa pagbabayad ng matrikula: 

kawalan ng impormasyon - hindi alam ng mga estudyante na mayroong alternatibo para makapag-enroll
gabutas ng karayom na screening process - mahirap ang application at approval system sa STFAP
otomatikong paglalagay sa mga bagong Iskolar sa default bracket
kawalan ng installment plan sa pagbabayad ng matrikula
kung mayroon mang student loan, maiksi ang oras para mabayaran ito o di kaya'y wala namang guarantor para dito
student loan nga pero kulang ang pondo kaya hindi rin mabigyan ang karamihan sa mga nag-aapply rito

Opinyon ko ang mga nasulat sa taas. Maraming maaaring gawing paraan upang mailigtas ang napakaraming Kristel sa ating bansa. Gupo, talunan, walang laban.. iilan lamang sa mga salitang maaaring gamitin upang sumahin ang kaganapang ito na nagpailing, nagpaiyak, nagpagalit at nagpakilos sa maraming estudyante, guro, magulang, kapatid at kamag-anak.

Sa pagpanaw ni Kristel ay nasama ang pag-asa ng magulang sa maaaring naging maganda at matagumpay na karera nito sa pagtatapos sa Unibersidad. Ngunit isang kolektibo ng aral, ideya at paniniwala naman ang naging kapalit nito. Malaki ang naging bayad para matuto, makinig at maniwala ang mga tao sa paulit-ulit na pangyayaring ito. Nagkaroon ng pangngalan at mukha ang suliraning iyon. Sa tingin ko, ang kasalanan lang sa buong pangyayari ay hindi nabigyan ng patas na laban si Kristel. 

Mailap ang magandang baraha kung may nag-iipit nito. Madali ring magsabi na nadaya ka kahit na walang pruweba. Minsan naman, kailangan mo lang magbalasa kahit hindi ka marunong lalo't kailangan na.

i need a list on my arms

Today, I am again reminded of how reading takes you to the place you least expect to be and yet feel that it was a needed shove.

I cover paper with words every day,
But the stories never go anywhere
I find worth going.

-Timequake by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Chapter 11, page 45

I remember saying this to a loved one recently. I told her that I do write but it sort of still sucks and depresses the shit out of me that I haven't written anything that goes out to where I want it to be. The exchange came over a cup of coffee, recent memories, feels and slight realizations. 

She said that I know that I am good at what I do and that is what separates me from her. I refuse to accept that statement.

She is lovely. I always forget to tell her that. 

Today I am reminded again of how much I refuse to learn the essential things. I need to close my eyes to the superficial as I feel more mundane than I was yesterday. I am also reminded of how the creases on her eye lids have smeared the emerald tint of her liner.

I need to go back into loving things, people and the prospect of tomorrow. I need to be reminded always and it sucks.

S&R

Please hold as I gather my thoughts.

Alright, this is about that membership shopping that I was wanting to write about. What prodded me to write this was the overwhelming feeling of being inside a warehouse full of expensive shit made "affordable" just so we could taste the American way of life. I may be overacting here but that's what I really felt, up until now.

Back in the day when I was a wee little lad in a catholic elementary school, they always told us to be proud nationalists. Patriot, I thought, was a word that the Americans often use to portray their fervor for keeping true to the red white and blue. Who wouldn't want that, right? It's the green, green grass of future homes. They taught us how to show nationalism, how to support local products, how to keep our belief systems in line with what our ancestry tells us. It's good thing to learn at school but something never really explained the idea of wanting the American way of things.

As you enter the warehouse, you'll be quite amazed at how it resembles a plane hangar. You can imagine how Boeings and fighter jets sit on the grounds, instead, there are high rise isles of product and imported fantasies. I may be drawing from my past media studies lessons or popular culture modules but something rang. Chocolates, with their out-from-the-balikbayan-box musk are lined up in varying conditions of flavor, packaging and certain sweetness and richness of the cacao that was used to supply us the sugar rush of fine edible gold. I wasn't sure how I would react at first, everything was just so big. It felt like I was back in grade school when I felt small if compared to a white dude thousands of miles away. Everything was blown up into a ratio of a heavy set viking: not slices of pizza but overstuffed banners of meat, sauce and bread, bags of chips fit for a whole barkada but is good enough for a single sitting of a season of The Walking Dead.

I got a buzz out of it, though. The liquor section offered a tempting bottle of fine whiskey. It's somehow a doublestandard for me since I was questioning everything ever since I walked in. The queue to the register just equally ridiculous as well. Carts and carts full of product are lined up, you'd probably think they were buying for a mini-grocery store. 

Everyone was just sold with the idea that we get to be fancy and Americanized if we buy this or that. I'm not mad at Americans for selling that idea, it's part of the consumer-capitalist relationship/theory/principle/way of life that we all know, love, live, die and kill for. We are sold this message because this is what their marketing research team had found out with all the surveys, interviews and studies they put out. What hurts the most is that we truly enjoy it. We get the idea that a certain product has this amount of verifiable and quantifiable amount of utils that we'd gladly buy twice the amount of what we need just because the tag says "save as much as up to xx-amount of Dollars!" (which is something that adds to the problem since we don't even use $$ for our daily commute and alms for the poor.)

I don't know if I should be offended by that or I should accept it as marketing hype. Slowly, we identify the brands we want to be identified with and the flags that we represent. So, we really shouldn't be so mad when they criticize the country and our heritage since we really don't have brown skin anymore, plus, we rep the star spangled banner, they have good deals at the local flag store.

I am almost reminded that we are indeed "global citizens."

Simple enough

"Legalize the fuck out of this shit."

Sometimes, there are still gold nuggets on YouTube comment sections.

Mad props to Macklemore. Spitting rhymes never sounded so good and true.

On my last post. It's not the 100th, sorry guys.

Jotting.

This here, post, seems to be my 98th post. I forgot to post two drafts in my queue. Sad. The last post is apparently not my 100th but I'll stick to it because that's what Semper Fidelis means.

Anyhow, apparently, there is a buzz going on with the Hysterical Literature videos in the art world. It has been called many things among which "high art" and apparent "poor taste" are the more stronger words.

I'm not a student of the "art" but as I remember from my earlier classes, there had always been a separating line between the "high brow" and the "popular." Of course, the richer tend to be more learned in "appreciating" art as it is or was, hence, collections and carefully curated works that they have "claimed" that only the people higher intellects, like themselves, can understand. The popular are the bakya, with cheaper tastes for artistic swill and the always dreaded mainstream. I see the image as a perceived pyramid wherein the one percenters enjoy the view from the top and the bums hold the lower levels of the pyramid feed off the leftovers of artistic interpretation, appreciation and conception.

It so happens that sex and art, when mixed, is a whirlwind. Will it be pornography if human sexual pleasure and excitation is captured in canvas, photographs, film or graffiti? Will it be art if done in a clinical artistic way? I, for one, don't know shit.

Kulturang Popular, you really taught me a thing or two. I'm not an expert but you make me sound like I swaggerjacked one.

Here are the links to articles I've managed to scour for your discerning eyes and understanding. It's not necessarily branding. The need for qualifying and identifying which specific genre it falls onto or which people can understand its message is, I think, unnecessary.

Reid Singer's article on Artinfo regarding the mixing of the high brow and the low with  a suicide leap bordering on porn.

Danielle Ezzo's reply to Singer's article. Describing the more than flawed structuring of the belief of straight edge art and its connection to the "one-percenters."

Here, model Stoya describes the experience of battling the sensation and paying attention to the book.

Lastly, Supervert's reaction to the series. 

This shit's profound, man.