White Flag

Being at war with yourself is an absurd thought and yet it is very real. The factions, the bullets, the wounds, the scars, the casualties, the truce, the ending of peace talks, the firefights, the meaninglessness of it all.

I have been at war with myself for quite a long time. It was and still is a fiasco in my head. Why did this happen? How did it begin? When will it end? Will it ever end? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to surrender for the longest time. Always thinking about how tough I am. A man’s man. You never see a man crying - he never shows it because it’s none of your business. That bullshit kept replaying in my head whenever I relive the moments of my despair and deception.

Blaming everyone but myself was counterproductive. It is a vicious cycle. Even Sid would agree with me here. Always someone else was to be blamed for my misfortunes, never me. Never me who is great, talented, skillful, lovable, admirable, smart, liked and loved by most people.

Also, the fact that you have to mean something in this world didn’t help with the continuous beatings. At 26, you should be this. At 27, you should be earning this much. At 30, you should be ready to settle down. At 35, happy with your own family. At 40, probably retire early and pursue your passions or maybe put up a profitable business to live comfortably the rest of your life. The immense pressure is cracking me up. Seeing friends succeed, seeing them get married, seeing them happy with traveling, seeing them seeing other people - places, opportunities while I rot away in limbo. Wasting away talent and doing away with a mediocre skill set. Trying to find meaning and relevance in a world of measures and standards by which we are judged. Driving the newest car, having the most expensive watch, living the lifestyle that you could have only dreamed of, wearing the most in-the-new trends in fashion, riding the lightest time trial bike... All of those things just whirring in your head even in your sleep is dragging, I tell you.

All of this self defeating self talk will one day be a page in a diary. The troubles of a young mind crippled by debilitating anxiety, trust issues, family quarrels that sometimes turn into violent confrontations, humblebrags from contemporaries, the wanting of a better life and so on. So it goes said Vonnegut. And it will go. I tell you. Everything will go. As for now, I come to understand that without struggle, there is no triumph. Without hardship, nothing is ever worth celebrating. And that wars can come to a complete standstill, they can rage on for as long as you want, and that the fighting never stops until one side drops the guns and the contempt for the other and become the man - if not the BIGGER man. Only I can stop the cycle and the first way that I can do it is to wave my white flag over my head and only pray that the other side stops shooting. Drop everything and surrender. Sometimes it is the only way to win. 

365

Just last night, I caught myself saying "A lot can really happen in a year." This entry will be a summary of the things that I've learned in the past year. I'll try to keep it short in pursuit of brevity (my college professors and instructors always challenged us to write concise pieces. I hope I can do them justice.)

1. Never underestimate the ability of people close to you betray you.

This one sits on top of the mountain. Maybe I'm just spiteful but maybe I am not. There are just things that happen and then there are those things that are purposely done. The past year kept driving that nail down my head.

2. Overthinking gets you nowhere.

Too much time thinking will probably leave you way behind. Don't lag. Sometimes, thinking things through is not the best thing to do especially if it's decision time. Pull the trigger or don't.

3. Trust is earned. Don't hand them to people for free.

This is true even for those people who are closest to you. You just never know what will happen. Everything these days should be earned.

4. Everyone can be replaced.

Sure, when people die, they die. Nothing you can do about that. But for those people that can leave you with a snap of a finger, don't even come running after them. If it took them that quick to desert you then they're not worth your time, effort, adoration and love. Flick 'em away as you would a used cigarette butt.

5. Invest in yourself.

Read. Run. Lift. Learn. Go out. Mingle. Everything you do on your free time should add to who you are. Lazing around on weekends is a pleasurable thing but do you really want that to be the highlight of your week? Experience and skill are not heavy. Bring them everywhere you go. The pursuit of happiness never ends.

6. Treat your work as your hobby and pursue greater passions.

Do what you love. Love what you do. For most people, this isn't true. Treat your day job as your hobby and your greatest passion your job. You work to have nicer things in life, to experience everything to the fullest. Too much of one thing can be bad, too.

7. Take everything with a grain of salt.

Someone offended you? Don't lash out with fists flying and maybe a knife drawn. Stay cool and collected. Remember, who gets angry first loses. Maybe they do have a point, reassess. Being a real alpha means having the calm of a sailor thrown into a raging sea but needs to get home safely to his family. Let out your storm when need be. Stay out of fights. If it's not worth it, turn around and walk away. Nothing's wrong with that.

8. Everything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Excel in everything that you do. If you're going to try then do it all the way. Half-assing things are for dilettantes. Capitalize on strengths and work on your weaknesses. When all else fails and the shit has hit the fan, things can only look up after that.

9. Don't ever forget the important things.

Remind yourself everyday why you're still here. Who's got your back? Stay your course. Family is the reason why you're here and it's probably the reason why you'll never want to stop going further.

10. Out of luck, out of strength, out of options but never out of the fight.

Don't ever stop. Keep hitting until your arms give out. Keep kicking until you're out of the water. You can rest when you're dead.

What a fucking ride. Soldier on.

Here's a toast for you.

The people in my life are all so kind and I hold them dearly for that. Sometimes, they would blurt out that a relationship has many phases, this being just a part of what "we have." I get that they mean well but I can't help be scathed with that type of forced kindness.

I always tell them to stop since their effort of well-wishing is futile. You can't pick up a million pieces of broken glass in hopes to stick them all together to return a figurine to its original form. You will just get wounded in trying. It is a regal attempt to salvage what is left but just stop. 

You can't expect me to dive another thousand meters when I've already drowned for ten scores of that depth. And honestly, I don't want her back. Not that way. She is gone. She lives but she is gone. There is no good in mourning the dead. You don't mourn their loss, you celebrate their life. And as for us, we died a long time ago.

It’s been a few months since I’d last held work in my hands. I recently left my job to look for better opportunities. So far, my applications have been unanswered. A risky move, really. Knowing that I have a son to support, a family to help and a promise to keep. I can’t say that I’ve been that much of slacker, I can’t say I have been the opposite either.

My hiatus in almost everything has brought about realizations and pained truths. In my relationships, self-appreciation, pride and on areas too many to mention. It hasn’t been too hard nor has it been too easy. It is a pedal malfunction. Way too many things unattended and undervalued.

I had suffered a few setbacks in my relationships. I’ve fallen out with people I should have taken care of. I’d lost the respect of people I have looked up to and have been forever indebted to. The factors in maintaining good relationships have risen up and my scores are on an all time low. So much for my investment in people. I have reduced myself to a mere companionator – not in the sense of a movie quip that meant “pimp.”

A funny thing really, I find myself good company – maybe too good of a company even for myself. I scare people and the book of Neil Strauss isn’t exactly helping me acquire the necessary social skills I need to work in the real world. Too much theory, I’m too afraid to put it to work. I’m starting to ask myself how I had managed to hold on to these people, and how, for that matter, did they manage to be in good ties with me for so long? I think I am now getting the response.

This is nothing but a diary entry that has been long overdue. It feels normal. A soliloquy but not in the poetic sense – more on the depraved and desperate sense. All I have are my caps to block people’s looks and my glasses that have been scratched way more than they need to be. My playlist consists of good melodies and my head with the fantasies I fail to keep even in my dreams. What fucking luck – I don’t even believe in that shit. 

Fucking. 

Useless.

I can’t say I’ve invested my time and resources in the wrong people, it’s just that they could be made on a more reasonable time. I’ve had lapses in judgement, I don’t deny these things. The only worse thing I can do is deny myself of the justice that I’ve paraded in the faces of people all these years. You don’t get that fucking low. Clearly, I have anger issues. My good friend had said it to me once, jokingly. I felt flush. Depressed and angry. What a fucking nice mix. There’s no way you can drink around that.

Reality Bites 1 : Beef steak

I've been planning on working on a different tag of work to be put up on this blog. As my frequent readers know, I ramble about the most narcissistic shit on this space. It seems to me that I've been putting up more posts that start with "I" and feature me and my fucking rants as the starrrs. It gets fucking old.

One thing that I'm looking at is writing about people that I know. This idea came up since the people I know that are worth writing about have no background in writing or they think they suck at it, obviously, they haven't even tried writing or reading the shit I post here. That's why I think it's appropriate for me to tell their stories. Use their experiences as a glass of reality that we can peer through with thought and maybe, some introspection.

People have beautiful lives. Though they ruin it with contempt, free will and greed of varying degrees. I've been thinking of which person to feature in this series. It's difficult work since there are a lot of people who have stories that are worthy of storytelling. Then, last night happened. My uncle died.