Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Almost 27 years. I think that's old enough to say that play time is over. 

As a kid, my parents always told me not to pick fights with others. As I grew up, I always thought "Why not?" Especially when you're on the right side of the fence. Trying to make a man out of my own lauds, picking a fight seemed to be a good idea.

Fast forward to year 27, everything seems like a fight-in-the-making. Jokes, exchanges, drinking binges, for Christ's sake -- even driving. Friends can sometimes feel like strangers you'd definitely scoff at on your way to work, and family becomes overbearing at times. Always looking for a fault so I can spew some nasty things at them. Not a good sign. Sometimes, I just want to bury memories and blur faces. But then again, I may just be overthinking.

Again, in a drunk stupor, I ask a buddy of mine what he thinks of this story I told him. I got pissed at him for telling me off, that I was too busy investing time on shit that didn't matter. I shouted in response -- "Well, it matters to me!" Only after waking up the next day with a bad hangover and an even worse buzz brought about by a sudden realization that I came to a conclusion that I do think too much of things that don't really matter. So fuck it, fuck that, fuck you, fuck everything. Less shit for me to take on. Less fake people to rub elbows with, less distractions on my part. And at year 27, that sounds like a good plan.

I need to see less, feel less, worry less to experience more. Some things are just not worth your attention. So instead of goodbye, I say good riddance. It was fun while the booze was in and the food was hot.

###

White Flag

Being at war with yourself is an absurd thought and yet it is very real. The factions, the bullets, the wounds, the scars, the casualties, the truce, the ending of peace talks, the firefights, the meaninglessness of it all.

I have been at war with myself for quite a long time. It was and still is a fiasco in my head. Why did this happen? How did it begin? When will it end? Will it ever end? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to surrender for the longest time. Always thinking about how tough I am. A man’s man. You never see a man crying - he never shows it because it’s none of your business. That bullshit kept replaying in my head whenever I relive the moments of my despair and deception.

Blaming everyone but myself was counterproductive. It is a vicious cycle. Even Sid would agree with me here. Always someone else was to be blamed for my misfortunes, never me. Never me who is great, talented, skillful, lovable, admirable, smart, liked and loved by most people.

Also, the fact that you have to mean something in this world didn’t help with the continuous beatings. At 26, you should be this. At 27, you should be earning this much. At 30, you should be ready to settle down. At 35, happy with your own family. At 40, probably retire early and pursue your passions or maybe put up a profitable business to live comfortably the rest of your life. The immense pressure is cracking me up. Seeing friends succeed, seeing them get married, seeing them happy with traveling, seeing them seeing other people - places, opportunities while I rot away in limbo. Wasting away talent and doing away with a mediocre skill set. Trying to find meaning and relevance in a world of measures and standards by which we are judged. Driving the newest car, having the most expensive watch, living the lifestyle that you could have only dreamed of, wearing the most in-the-new trends in fashion, riding the lightest time trial bike... All of those things just whirring in your head even in your sleep is dragging, I tell you.

All of this self defeating self talk will one day be a page in a diary. The troubles of a young mind crippled by debilitating anxiety, trust issues, family quarrels that sometimes turn into violent confrontations, humblebrags from contemporaries, the wanting of a better life and so on. So it goes said Vonnegut. And it will go. I tell you. Everything will go. As for now, I come to understand that without struggle, there is no triumph. Without hardship, nothing is ever worth celebrating. And that wars can come to a complete standstill, they can rage on for as long as you want, and that the fighting never stops until one side drops the guns and the contempt for the other and become the man - if not the BIGGER man. Only I can stop the cycle and the first way that I can do it is to wave my white flag over my head and only pray that the other side stops shooting. Drop everything and surrender. Sometimes it is the only way to win. 

So you wanna be CEO?

Things start with a romantic idea. No, not that kind of romance – no star-crossed lovers, musicals, birds chirping and riding off into the sunset sort of things. You can’t contain your inspiration any longer. After months of deliberation, you decide to leave it all behind and stick with your guns. It feels right. It seems like the most wonderful thing ever. You pull the trigger – you start your own business. Well, at least you thought you did.

Here’s the thing: you’re not in a movie or a cancelled TV series (I’m looking at you How To Make It In America. Guys, please. You have to do another season!) where everything seems so shiny and wonderful. Starting a business on your own is a big thing. And if you’re one of those young adults who still aren’t used to adulting just yet, chances are things won’t go so well right off the bat. But what’s success without a little struggle, right?

I may be rambling but hear me out. So far, here are some things I’ve learned in 6-month long attempt in starting my own business:

Starting your own business will not be easy and it shouldn’t.

You are building your company from the ground up. You should put your back into it. Working for other people is different from working for yourself. CEOs get to sit on top of the mountain because they know how difficult the climb was. And besides, challenging times will make for great stories someday.

Stick to your guns. If your gut tells you something, go for it!

I can’t count the times that I thought to myself “I should have” and “I shouldn’t have done that.” Your instinct is there for a reason. Trust it and see what happens. It’s sure as hell better than doing nothing. Risk is and will always be an occupational hazard. Without it, how else are you going to succeed? If you want something bad enough, you need to go at it hard. Go big or go home.

Fear is both friend and foe.

It is a motivator, a teacher, a rival. Are you afraid that you won’t make it in the long run? Good, that means you’re aware of what could happen if you don’t do the things you need to do. Even when things are going great, you’d still have that sliver of fear at the back of your mind. Don’t feed your fear but do everything in the best of your ability to emerge as the victor. Let go of inhibitions, they will just drag you down.

Plan ahead.

Think things through twice, three times, four times. Focus on your goal and map out the road to your endgame. Leaving things to chance is probably not the wisest business plan out there. Once you plan things, you can keep your progress in check. Plus, you can finally put that planner of yours into good use. You did pay for it with all those Starbucks drinks you ordered last Yuletide season.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

It’s good that you want to do things on your own. DIY or die, right? But there’s also nothing wrong with getting by with a little help. Seek the counsel of your wiser peers. Consult books and do your research. The more you know, the better you’ll get at the whole business thing. Discipline is remembering what you want. Don’t let your pride get the better of you because sometimes, all you have to do is ask.

I’m still learning the ropes in this whole business thing so I’ll keep this tab open. For the meantime, I’ll have my pen and paper ready for more lessons.

Today

My mother always told me to say a little prayer every morning when I wake up. She says it’s a little gesture of appreciation for the gift of life. The same goes every night.

Today, here are the things I am grateful for:

1.  I am grateful for the gift of health. 

I am feeling better than yesterday. My cough is still here but it hurts a lot less now.

2.  I am grateful for the food on my plate and the person who prepared it for me. 

Usually, a nominal ‘thank you’ would suffice but not today. Appreciation shouldn’t be a memorized two-word sentence.

3.  I am grateful for the roof over my head for I am able to sleep soundly at night. 

It keeps me warm when the rain comes. It keeps me under its shade when the sun is up.

4.  I am grateful for I have all of my senses. 

Even during times when my common sense and sense of humor are nowhere to be found.

5.  I am grateful for the ability to laugh, anytime, anywhere and with anyone.

It only means happiness still keeps me company.

6.  I am grateful for the work on my desk. 

These pending tasks are a reminder that I have a responsibility and that I am trusted.

7.  I am grateful for the love of our pets. 

They never fail to greet me whenever I come home from a long day on the road. They’d always run towards me as I slow down to park the car. They are creatures of God who have nothing but love flowing in their veins.

8.  I am thankful for the privileges I receive. 

I have more than what I need and for that I am truly fortunate.

9.  I am grateful for the little things. 

The fact that it did not rain while I was driving today, that I got home safe, for the quiet time I had while I had my late lunch.

10.  Lastly, I am grateful for the ability to notice these things – great or small. 

Things can get so blurry when you’re busy living.

It feels good to know that you have so much to be thankful for.

Unfinished, Kindness

I wanted to write an entry for the Palanca 2014 but couldn't quite make it. I am this unfinished piece of work and it's a bad and good thing. Bad due to the fact that I can't push myself to finishing this article even though I sorely wanted to. Good because I know that there's still room for me to grow.

This is a snippet of my story. It is raw, unedited, and almost unfiltered. Maybe this piece will find itself inside an envelope and make its way to its original destination. But for now, this tiny space will have to do.

...

Kindness is a word that I try to familiarize myself with. It’s because no matter what happens, I find reasons to be unkind to people; even to those who matter the most to me. And now, I’m writing a laundry list of the things that I’ve done that need to be washed and washed again. It’s a dirty job but I know that I need to do this.

Life has been good for me. I really couldn’t complain. I graduated from a respectable school, I had friends and family who supported me all throughout my studies and now, I’m working as a copywriter for a foreign company. If this isn’t sweet and splendid, then I don’t know what is. I look at all of this as a great kindness shown to me by the many powers that I can’t understand. Maybe it’s God’s hidden hand that move all these things to go towards the direction I’m in or if it’s just destiny that predetermines these rewards.

To be honest, I have a weird way of looking at things. I tend to be a pessimist when it comes to good times. I always have a weird gut feel that after the good times come, something terrible is going to happen and it’s just waiting around the corner to drain the color out of me. It’s true and that’s why I always reserve something before ending the festivities. And when the lights go dim, the drinks have been emptied and the food has been feasted upon, my anxiety towards the supposed bad things that are going to happen just grow bigger than ever. It dawns on me that the good times just pass on and that I have to brace myself for the coming hits. Or maybe it’s just a stupid belief that I have.

Although I said earlier that life has been good, it doesn’t really mean that everything has become smooth sailing. The mere 5 years I spent in college was not really a walk in the park for me. For the first two years, I believed that college was the best thing that has ever happened to me and that the beer and hard liquor won’t stop pouring and that the good things in life will get handed to me right after I get that stupid piece of paper that they call a diploma. It was the greatest lie I tried so hard to believe in. But when reality hit me in the face that I was a jobless, skill-less, wasting third-year college student who had a baby on the way with his also young girlfriend, the game changed. It was no longer a game. And I found it so hard to see kindness in what kind of a card life had dealt me. It was a complete and total change of everything I imagined.

Gone were the future parties, the possible hook-ups and meets with young and foolish people who had nothing but their youth to hold on to. Now, it was all about finishing school, trying to graduate on time or in the shortest time possible, saving up for the hospital bills, moonlighting on our free time and saying sorry to our parents who were clearly disappointed in what had happened. Kindness became an elusive thing for me. I felt that I was given a harsh lesson on life and that what I needed to do was become spiteful and bitter. I was turned black with disappointment in myself and the “good life” I had always known. I felt betrayed in the strongest sense of the word.

And so my journey began. I tried my hardest to reassure my girlfriend that we’re going to get through all of it and smile when we look back at the hard times. It was us against the world. We soldiered through our studies and finished school. Her parents were obviously hard on her. I get it. It was not an easy thing to swallow. Having your youngest daughter stay with you while she was with child was not a thing you let slip so easily. They schooled us every day with their terse remarks and austere affection. It pained me to see my girlfriend go through all of those things because of what we had done. I felt helpless, I felt small. Again, I felt as if the kindness in the world was going the opposite direction we were headed.

Although now that I think about it, the cold treatment they showed us was not an effort to shun us for what had happened. It was done in order to toughen us up. They took us in, helped us learn hands-on when it comes to dealing with things that are now beyond our control. Her parents drove hard bargains and at first we didn’t understand. But that was their way of showing that we are not the sum of our past deeds however disappointing they were. We were weaned on the gritty lessons in their home. I realize now that maybe they thought it best to give us the challenge instead of letting people who don’t really understand a thing about what we were going through judge us for our mess. Now that burden of betrayal I was talking about earlier start to feel light, they are being lifted from our shoulders and thrown into the wind. Maybe if they were showy, they would have given us a tap on the shoulder and a thrift nod. No more, no less. It will mean the world to me to see that happen but nevertheless I am thankful for what they have and have not done for us. I am immensely thankful.

My parents and I are not really close until that fateful event happened. I still remember the phone call I had made to my mom when we confessed to my girlfriend’s parents that we were expecting. Everything’s still fresh in my memory – my trembling voice, the crackling of my sobs and the loving tone of my mother’s voice. There was a long silence before my voice started shaking and the tears began to flow. “Mom, my girlfriend’s pregnant. I don’t know what to do.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Come home. Straight away.” And so I did. The first few steps I took inside the house felt like a distant memory but the hollow feeling is still memorable. The ten steps I needed to get inside the house felt like great strides – laborful and forced. Walking during that moment became a task. And when I saw my mom’s face, I couldn’t help but breakdown and just embrace her for the kindness she showed me. My father was about to go home from a trip abroad. I confessed and he just gave me a tight hug. I told them the whole story and they were with me every day since. They backed me up on every decision, gave nothing but the best counsel and took nothing from me but my qualms and the seething pain. It hurt me because I felt that I had disappointed them but they never were disappointed. They told me that time and time again. It was a kindness that I still aim to repay, one way or another. The burden was starting to lift itself from my shoulders.

There is always this belief that I’ve had when it comes to dealing with the good stuff that comes my way. I see myself as a very fortunate person. I use the term “fortunate” since I really don’t believe in the idea of luck. It’s one of the many weird quirks that I have. And after being a father at 19, I somehow believed that I lived off the kindness of people. I always looked at the nice things that have happened in my life as works of charity and that these people are merely being kind to some unfortunate fellow. I couldn’t complain about that but being a proud person (it’s a trait I’m not personally fond of,) it was definitely hard for me to swallow all of those things. Even the people who knew my story were thought of doing what they have done just out of pity. Although, I do know better to think of them in that manner.

But now I understand that people are kind because that’s the way we are wired. It is innate in every human being, even the despicable ones we so loathe in society or shun in our everyday lives. Kindness just happens although you’d need a conscious effort to keep being kind not only to others but to yourself. It’s one of the greatest gifts that mankind can possess. It can prevent wars, it can mend wounds, and create better and stronger bonds or relationships. What good about it is that it can come from the most unexpected places, people, and deeds.

Going back to my laundry list, I really have a lot of people to give thanks to. But I’ll just start with a few from the top of my head. And my advisors during my last years in college will get this ball rolling. Two of my most trusted and admired professors became my advisors in a lot of things during my years in college. Aside from mentoring me inside the classroom where they both taught communication courses, they managed to take me under their wings when it came to the other lessons I couldn’t learn in the classroom. And not only that, they gave me nothing but the best counsel there is. And maybe that’s partly because they’re both mothers – one being a cool matriarch who always has a menthol cigarette tucked between her teeth and the other being a strong-willed woman who has an eyebrow sharp enough to cut you in ribbons. Both of them are not afraid to let out scathing remarks when it came to talking about personal matters. I even became subject to their little disciplinary sessions. But nevertheless, they are some of the nicest people I know. And I think that’s a bit of an understatement.

...

What Good Shall I Do This Day?

It’s the 1970s. A 30-something man makes his way across the Golden Gate Bridge. He’s passed by pedestrians and cyclists, and steps around tourists taking pictures of Alcatraz, Angel Island, and the channel of water below that runs between San Francisco Bay and the Pacific Ocean. He gazes up at the reddish-orange towers soaring above, and then climbs over the bridge’s four-foot safety railing. He steps out onto a 32-inch wide beam known as “the chord,” pauses, takes one last long look out at the bay, and then jumps. His body plummets 220 feet and violently hits the water at 75 mph. The impact breaks his ribs, snaps his vertebrae, and pulverizes his internal organs and brain. The Coast Guard soon arrives to recover his limp, lifeless body.

When the medical examiner later located and searched the jumper’s sparse apartment, he found a note the man had written and left on his bureau. It read:

“I’m going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump.”

Original post from The Art of Manliness

365

Just last night, I caught myself saying "A lot can really happen in a year." This entry will be a summary of the things that I've learned in the past year. I'll try to keep it short in pursuit of brevity (my college professors and instructors always challenged us to write concise pieces. I hope I can do them justice.)

1. Never underestimate the ability of people close to you betray you.

This one sits on top of the mountain. Maybe I'm just spiteful but maybe I am not. There are just things that happen and then there are those things that are purposely done. The past year kept driving that nail down my head.

2. Overthinking gets you nowhere.

Too much time thinking will probably leave you way behind. Don't lag. Sometimes, thinking things through is not the best thing to do especially if it's decision time. Pull the trigger or don't.

3. Trust is earned. Don't hand them to people for free.

This is true even for those people who are closest to you. You just never know what will happen. Everything these days should be earned.

4. Everyone can be replaced.

Sure, when people die, they die. Nothing you can do about that. But for those people that can leave you with a snap of a finger, don't even come running after them. If it took them that quick to desert you then they're not worth your time, effort, adoration and love. Flick 'em away as you would a used cigarette butt.

5. Invest in yourself.

Read. Run. Lift. Learn. Go out. Mingle. Everything you do on your free time should add to who you are. Lazing around on weekends is a pleasurable thing but do you really want that to be the highlight of your week? Experience and skill are not heavy. Bring them everywhere you go. The pursuit of happiness never ends.

6. Treat your work as your hobby and pursue greater passions.

Do what you love. Love what you do. For most people, this isn't true. Treat your day job as your hobby and your greatest passion your job. You work to have nicer things in life, to experience everything to the fullest. Too much of one thing can be bad, too.

7. Take everything with a grain of salt.

Someone offended you? Don't lash out with fists flying and maybe a knife drawn. Stay cool and collected. Remember, who gets angry first loses. Maybe they do have a point, reassess. Being a real alpha means having the calm of a sailor thrown into a raging sea but needs to get home safely to his family. Let out your storm when need be. Stay out of fights. If it's not worth it, turn around and walk away. Nothing's wrong with that.

8. Everything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Excel in everything that you do. If you're going to try then do it all the way. Half-assing things are for dilettantes. Capitalize on strengths and work on your weaknesses. When all else fails and the shit has hit the fan, things can only look up after that.

9. Don't ever forget the important things.

Remind yourself everyday why you're still here. Who's got your back? Stay your course. Family is the reason why you're here and it's probably the reason why you'll never want to stop going further.

10. Out of luck, out of strength, out of options but never out of the fight.

Don't ever stop. Keep hitting until your arms give out. Keep kicking until you're out of the water. You can rest when you're dead.

What a fucking ride. Soldier on.

“The journey of every human soul is to come back home.”

Confusion, getting lost, wanting to be lost, futile effort to find a way back and even more. As I realized, the road to life is not something that can be put in some sort of map. There are no cartographers to graph and scale life or put color-schemed lines to distinguish life’s service roads and the off-beaten paths. It sounds cliché and tacky but we have to be our own maps. We have to be the compass to point our own directions.

You don’t travel life, you just walk and walk until you reach a place that is not familiar to the eyes. You have to walk and walk and hope that life lets you pass on that road where you’re going. Some roads are just closed, you have to turn back and trace your steps. And then there are some that you have to hack your way through dense foliage and maybe earn a couple of cuts and bruises as you stumble and flail with rubber legs from emotional and physical exhaustion. Some of those tiring moments will come in the form of an empty bottle or even a written letter that just realized your darkest and most realistic fears. You don’t travel life, you just hope that life lets you pass through.

Walk, run, ride, hitch, climb, slide, crawl – do what you must to travel. See the world in the eyes of another blue-collar man, in the forgiving and hopeful eyes of a development worker, in the clear-eyed vision of an illustrious but promising law student, in the glassy eyes of a lover who sees you as the most beautiful thing on earth (or someone else for that matter). In the eyes of a father who labors day and night while he wrestles his inner demons just to stay sane, in the eyes of a mother who, for the longest time had always wanted to feel the affection of her child, in the eyes of a smitten girl who’s laid her eyes on the man she always aspired to sweep her off her feet, in the eyes of another person of a different nationality who has a culture that is widely different from yours but is of the same substance that you know he’s a kindred spirit.

Go thousands of miles away from home not in an effort to abandon home but to find people and places that will inspire you. Go to places that are far from your comfort zone to test your mettle, to feel that you are strong even just for a while. Go and experience events that will humanize you and let you feel that you are but one speck in a colossal universe. Go and be that significant speck in someone’s life. Go and be the feathered creature that finds its way home – tired, beaten, awakened but hopeful and longing for the comfort of home. Go and be a home for others.

I’ve travelled but not far. I’ve met some of the greatest people that have become such treasured gifts. We have shared bottle after bottle of sauced discussions and debates. We have gotten our hands dirty with food that signified failures and sweet triumphs with every greasy cut of salted pork and charred day-old skin. And from those meetings I am learning, I am being mentored to a degree, I am being schooled without having to pay for tuition.

Then the discussion came full circle. It was a buzzed moment from me and I was starting to have the burning in my cheeks from the scotch that we were enjoying in a cool Philippine afternoon. We were in the city. It was bright out be it was not sticky to the skin. I snapped some pictures outside but here I am again inside the confines of a cool room with a slight buzzing in my head and a faint blush on my cheeks and right ear. We struck the subject “home.” We all agreed without even talking, even without glancing at each other. We know that during that time, it was home. It was that moment that was home. I’ve always believed that home was not a place. It was not a matter of proximity. Home was with people who mattered. For that instance, we couldn’t help but smile and cherish the moment of home that we revelled in. We took a swig of the golden brown firewater and fed the weak flame in our guts that was starting to smoke and flicker. We were home. We just knew it.

I, on the other hand pointed out that I had a home far from the room where we spent the cool afternoon talking and laughing. I said that I missed my home and I hoped she missed me, too. I’m not trying to be narcissistic with this as I write it. It’s just that I do really miss home. “The journey of every human soul is to come back home” caught my half-conscious attention. His brother believed in it fervently. I couldn't blame the man. I wrote it down and I promised to write about it. I’ll always believe in the idea of swallows and how they come home even after thousands of miles out in the open skies. They come back to the nest they grew up in regardless of how many other nests they have visited on their travels. They come full circle. I believe in that wholeheartedly. Semper Fidelis read his brother’s tattoo. I want a tattoo of my own.

This is my stop, kid. You've a long way to go.

"Sometimes, you have to trade in your pride into something more wearable. Something like comfort and stability. It won't mean you lost fight in whatever you believe in, it just means you grew wiser and was handed a bigger pair of balls. You sweat for the right things, no matter how much you pride yourself in something that can't bring food to the table or a smile in your workplace. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Learning to step down from your own pedestal will be one of the least noticed lessons in life."

The old man gave him a pat on the back before he alighted the bus.

"Everything will get better. Remember, you're still young. You have a long list of fuck-ups to do."

...

orayts

Isang mabuting bagay ang nangyari sa akin noong nakaraang araw.

Balak ko sanang dumaan sa Diliman para makipagkita sa isang batchmate ko noon sa UP. Brod ko rin siya sa Frat kaya naging masaya ang kwentuhan namin habang kumakain ng pan de coco na binili namin mula sa isang naglalako sa loob ng campus. Naka-bike yung tindero. Nagkwentuhan kami tungkol sa mga panahong lumipas. Good times, good times. Tawanan lang at nag-usap na rin tungkol sa patutunguhan ng mga buhay namin. Uninspired at medyo bigo. Nasa slump kasi kami pareho. We need to get over that hill.

Hindi pa iyon ang mabuting nangyari sa nakaraang araw. May nag-tweet sa'kin na dating kaklase sa kolehiyo. Sabi niya, na-publish raw ako sa Young Blood. May mas bubuti pa pala sa buhay na walang sakit at simple ang problema. 

Bata pa lamang kasi ako ay gusto ko nang ma-publish sa Young Blood. Nakakatuwang isipin na nangyari na at sa panahon pang hirap akong maghanap ng magandang bagay na dapat ipagdiwang. 

Nanay ko rin kasi ang nagsabing magiging proud siya sakin pag na-publish ang gawa ko dun. Ayan, pinabasa ko sa kanya at tinanong kung na-gets nya ba. Sabi lang e "Okay naman. Hopeful. Ano ba ibig mo'ng sabihin dito?" Alangya, nanay ko nga talaga 'to. Kahit di na nya gets e "good job, anak!" pa rin ang sagot. Naglambing ako sa nanay ko noong inabot ko yung dyaryo, alam ko na maliit na bagay lang 'to pero it's the little victories in life that make us remember the grand narrative of a 'beautiful life.' Isang simpleng pangarap na hindi inakalang matutupad. Niyakap ko ang nanay ko mula sa likod habang nakaupo siya sa kama at sabay halik sa balikat, buti nalang hindi niya pinansin yung bilbil kong dumikit sa tagiliran niya.

Isang mabuting bagay ang nangyari.

Itinuloy na rin namin ang kasiyahan namin sa bahay. Inimbitahan ko ang dalawang Brods ko na parehong galing sa UP Baguio para makita naman nila ang little piece of heaven namin. Nagkatuwaan na ring magdagdag ng drinks at magkwentuhan nang mas mahaba. Ipinagdiwang din namin ang Mayo Uno sa pamamagitan ng pag-ubos sa tatlong litrong beer na nagpapawis sa lamig. Halos matuyuan na kasi kami ng katawan sa sobrang init ng panahon.

si batchmate at si bunso

Nag-enjoy daw sila sa bahay. Masasarap raw ang pagkain. Panalong panalo raw yung sopas na niluto ng tatay ko. Hangover cure. Crunchy din daw yung daing na dilis na niluto ko pang pulutan. Masarap talaga yun.

Buti nalang may mga mabuting bagay pang nangyayari.

Happy sunflowers!

The sunflowers along UP Diliman drive are now starting to wilt. Their once awaited bloom gave many graduates and parents the awe that comes with their sunset orange and golden pigments. They are but one of the many symbols of cliche closing of books and opening of new ones.

Graduation, the word feels like a voice of a stranger on the phone. Though only having graduated one year ago, I believe that I have outgrown the word or maybe I have never even got used to it. I didn't know how to graduate. Just last week I found myself rambling to a good friend that my degree was useless and that may have even found a job even if I hadn't graduated from UP. I wanted to slap myself across the face, in a third person perspective kind of way. A hard and unforgiving slap was in due.

My Facebook news feed has been riddled by graduation posts lately. While most are very inspiring and touching, others are just too much. I'm not trying to rain on their parades, they've earned it. Only, the volume of grad-related posts are just too much for me. I guess, it has to do with my earlier feelings. Again, I wanted to slap myself, also, I wanted to slap others, too.

This may have come from the fact that I think my college life was uneventful. I think, up to now, that I could have done more. 'No regrets' was just a thing I only got to tell myself in the recent past. But I have many things to tell the young graduates, some of my Fraternity Brothers also finished school last 26th of April. I'm not preaching, I really don't like that word.

1. One of the first things that I've learned since I graduated from college is that you don't get things handed to you, not even your jeepney fare. I must admit, I thought college was difficult. Now, that remains to be just a thought I had years ago. You have to work for everything.

2. You can't cram your way into making a good future. I thought back then that I could do the petty procrastination shit that I was so used to. I have never been wrong. Even if I wanted to hustle so much to make get things to self-actualize for me, there was no way it could be done. Hard work pays, big time.

3. Save money. Be a miser. Seriously, sticks and stones may break my bones but having zero pesos in your bank account is not a good thing. Especially if you've just started getting a grip on things. I bet you couldn't even live on the contents of your pocket if you lost your newly earned job right now.

4. In connection to number three, we take the 'live now' thing too seriously. I do, but don't take my word for it. 'Live now' too much and you'll wake up one day with nothing to eat tomorrow. All you've got are the bottles of booze and the nagging feeling of being uninspired and being burnt out. Don't spend everything you have on one go and money is not everything that is spent.

5. Wear your clothes to the ground. I've heard someone talk about dressing up to match your qualifications, it is true for some time but not in the everyday way of things. Nice clothes are a reward and if you already have a working wardrobe, be contented with it. You can have the nicest things in the world and still have an zero in your credentials. Remember to 'self-actualize' as vicioustwist called it. Wear your socks until they have no garters, wear your jeans until they fray at the seams and the rivets pop, these are just material things.

I've so much to add to this but I don't want to sound preachy, I'm already narcissistic, why add another folly?

Reality Bites 1 : Beef steak

I've been planning on working on a different tag of work to be put up on this blog. As my frequent readers know, I ramble about the most narcissistic shit on this space. It seems to me that I've been putting up more posts that start with "I" and feature me and my fucking rants as the starrrs. It gets fucking old.

One thing that I'm looking at is writing about people that I know. This idea came up since the people I know that are worth writing about have no background in writing or they think they suck at it, obviously, they haven't even tried writing or reading the shit I post here. That's why I think it's appropriate for me to tell their stories. Use their experiences as a glass of reality that we can peer through with thought and maybe, some introspection.

People have beautiful lives. Though they ruin it with contempt, free will and greed of varying degrees. I've been thinking of which person to feature in this series. It's difficult work since there are a lot of people who have stories that are worthy of storytelling. Then, last night happened. My uncle died.

Fuck yeah, ACL. Fuck yeah, vicioustwist.

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

May 21st, 2008 | Categories: Random | by Michael Williams

Generally I don’t look to Craigslist for advice, but I remember reading this post a while back and some of these things have been with me ever since. I am by no means advocating everything that is said below, and have never taken a political or any other sort of position on this website. So read this with a grain of salt and take from it what does or does not appeal to you.

++ Date:2007-02-15, 9:08AM PST — Advice to Young Men from an Old Man ++

1. Don’t pick on the weak. It’s immoral. Don’t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.

2. Don’t hate women. It’s a waste of time

3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.

4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.

5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don’t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people’s economic or political interests.

6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent’s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.

7. Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative”. They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you’ll see what I mean.

8. Don’t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don’t want to come off as cynical.

9. You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit.

10. Don’t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement’s primary purpose is to suppress you.

11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.

12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone [sic] Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.

13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.

14. Don’t be afraid to tell people to “fuck off” when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.

15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don’t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you’ll find your wife fucking somebody else.

16. Keep fit.

17. Don’t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she is wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you’ll take her part.

18. Don’t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don’t humiliate her. Don’t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don’t do it where you live. Don’t do it with people in your social circle. Don’t shit in your own back yard.

19. If your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That’s what girlfriends are for.

20. Don’t bother with “emotional affairs”. They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That’s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they’re probably fucking someone else.

21. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.

22. Have and nurture friendships with women.

23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You’re going to see some girl and feel like you’ll die if you don’t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It’s her loss.

24. Don’t be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young “women” seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like “hole” as in “fuck my hole” or seeks “masculine” men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of “Don’t send a cock shot.”) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30′s or older.

25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you “the look”. Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don’t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.

26. Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.

27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you’ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You’ll find a welcoming community there.

28. Don’t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bonafides.

29. Don’t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically,women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by our educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed Ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn’t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.

vicioustwist | sanfrancisco |02-15-07

...

This is from A Continuous Lean, those who are familiar with the site will know the happiness in my heart after reading this post. It's from a man of taste, style, provenance and impeccable nature.

Forgive the grammatical errors, the author of ACL intentionally left the errors in place, much as I have done to retain the essence of the article. I think the post is highly motivational and consists of real talk points for young men as well as other members of our society. 

Though placed in an Americana setting, the salient point in the article ring true. The many fallacies and legends are falling apart, much like the decaying notion of what it takes to be a man.

I thought myself as someone who has grown into something desirable, as per my preferences but as days go on, I realize that I am far from the man I want to be: words, actions and thoughts wise. And that path to discovery that I am still to take excites the hell out of me. It always will. Even if I get to that age when I still try to kick my way out of a headstone.

There are indeed many things that make a man. But don't take my word for it.

i never really read newspapers until now

Bureau Chief's office, c2010

Philippine Daily Inquirer Northern Luzon Bureau

This photo was taken about 3 years ago. I was doing my journalism internship at that time. I barely scraped by if not for the help and guidance of the magely editors at PDI Northern Luzon Bureau. This was the look of our Bureau Chief's (BC) office. I bet it still look like this and I really hope that it still does. His book collection, to say the least solicits awe along with the martial law memorabilia, including a newspaper snippet of his picture being the alleged assassin of Ninoy Aquino (still hadn't asked him about the authenticity of that snip of paper, I dare not ask the wizard.)

I specifically remember reaching out for a copy of Chernobyl Diaries out of the crammed shelves. It was like picking off at a wall of great pieces, it felt transient and lasting at the same time. I also remember a story from the book, the wife was telling the story about his husband who worked at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, he was greatly exposed to radiation. She carefully narrated the way she cut her fingernails down to the nub, slowly hiding the edges of her nails. The beauty was in the details, the housewife turned full time nurse for her husband told the story on how her fingertips bled. It was an effort to keep herself from hurting her husband. She told of how she once flayed the soft skin on her husband's arm. Her nails were too long and sharp.

It was a chilling reminder on the effects of that blow up. And how it still affects the citizens of ghost town Chernobyl. It also was a good example of how good writing can take people to places they can only imagine and are too afraid to even plan a visit. Reading some of the stories in that book added to my own wall of simple dreams and aspirations, I wanted to be a writer. But I easily acknowledged that I couldn't keep up with the dailies, I will never be a print journalist. It was true.

Our BC was also a professor at the University. He gave me a fitting grade for my performance: 2.75. I barely scraped by but I loved being in his class. It was a glimpse at the old school experience of working on a press room. The experience felt like it was a photo with  coffee colored sepia effects.

That is all.

round two

this is how we die
nakaw mula sa kaibigang balikbayan

Heto na naman nga at nagpopost ako ng litrato ng ininom namin noong sabado lang. Kagagaling ko lamang ng Bicol upang bumisita sa mga kamag-anak at ito ang sumalubong sa akin. Hindi naman ako umaangal pero hanggang ngayon ay malabnaw pa rin ang dugo ko dahil sa dami ng alkohol na aming nakonsumo noong araw na iyon.

Masaya ang pagsasalu-salo namin. Bumalik kasi ng bansa ang isa sa aming pinakamalapit na kaibigan, treat nya ang alak at sagot namin ang pag-ubos nito. Plastado kami nang maubos ito. Buti nalang at maraming yelo pangkontra na rin sa sobrang init ng panahon. Wala kaming litrato habang nagkakasiyahan dahil abala sa pakikipagkwentuhan.

Minsan naiisip ko kung totoo bang tinatanggap ko na ang responsibilidad ng isang pagiging young adult. Napapansin ko kasing hindi naman nabawasan ang pakikisama ko sa mga kaibigan ko kahit na nagkaroon na kami ng mga trabaho at kanya kanyang pinagkakaabalahan. 

Tumatanda kami pero parang hindi umuusad sa responsibilidad. Ang ginagawa ko nalang pag ganoon ang naiisip ko ay tinatagayan ko pa ang sarili ko nang mas mataas na shot, boom, tapos ang pagninilay-nilay. Sinasamantala ko lang ang panahon hangga't kaya. Mabuti na yung ganoon para sa'kin. 

Mas mahirap naman maghanap ng ganitong samahan kesa magpapayat at magbawas ng bisyo. Maswerte talaga ako sa buhay ko. Pakshet.

black march

Hindi ko na sasabihing kawawa ang mga naiwan ni Kristel Tejada sa kaniyang paglisan sa pisikal na mundo. Hindi ko na rin sasabihing malaki ang pagkukulang ng Unibersidad sa kanilang pagpapalakad sa dapat ay maayos na sistema ng pagtingin ng kakayahan upang makapagbayad ng matrikula. Tapos na ang usaping iyon para sa akin dahil wala na nga si Kristel. Naupos siya ng mga pagkukulang at kamalian sa kasalukuyang panahon. Naupos siya nang hindi inaasahan at sa maagang panahon.

Coed suicide sparks soul seaching at UP | Inquirer banner

March 19, 2013

Mali talaga ang nangyari sa kaso nni Kristel. Isa itong classic na halimbawa ng kawalan ng hustisya sa bansa na pilit na kinukubli ng mga nasa puwesto at siya rin namang todo romantisado ng ibang mga taong putok bunganga lang sa isyu ngunit walang tunay na pagkakaintindi rito. Hindi sana nawala si Kristel kung nakahanap siya ng pera pangmatrikula, hindi rin sana nasisi ang kasalukuyang pamahalaan ng Unibersidad sa pangyayaring ito pero andito na nga. Nawalan ng isang prospektibong mamamayan at mag-aaral ang bansa dahil sa napakaraming dahilan na hindi naman talaga maaaring ilista bilang buong katotohanan at solidong katibayan.

Mahirap magsabi na "Sana hindi siya namatay kung may hustisya talaga sa loob ng paaralan" at mahirap ding banggitin na "Sana maganda ang pamamalakad sa loob ng Unibersidad at maintindihan ang [tunay] na kalalagayan ng mga estudyante." Sa tingin ko, hindi naman ganoon ang nararapat na istilo sa pagharap sa kasalukuyang mga pangyayari. Hindi na nga maibabalik ang buhay ng Iskolar na nilagutan ng isang bote ng silver cleaner at sa ganuong perspektibo ay dapat hindi na rin husgahan ang labanan. 

Hindi nga naman maibabalik ng diskurso si Kristel ngunit isa itong daan upang maiwasan ang pagkakaroon ng panibagong kasong tulad nito. Maraming mga estudyante sa Unibersidad ang nangangapa sa mga salat na bulsa para makapagbayad ng tuition, at hindi lang sa U.P. ito naging problema at karanasan. Laganap. Sa pamamagitan ng pagbababa ng pulitikal na motibo at personal na interes ay magagawan ng paraan ang pagkukulang na ito sa parehong perspektibo: mag-aaral at Unibersidad.

Naging matalino lang sana ang mga tao sa pagharap sa pagkawala ni Kristel. Kung hindi man maging matalino ay maging mapag-unawa sa pangyayari. Hindi tanga si Kristel dahil kinitil niya ang sariling buhay. Hindi rin naman walang puso ang Unibersidad dahil hindi nakapag-enroll si Kristel. Ang pagbabaling ng sisi sa kung kanino at kung saan saan ay nakakainsulto lang sa pagkawala ni Kristel.

Hindi madaling mag-apply sa STFAP. Alam ko yun dahil nasubukan kong gawin nang isang beses at hindi na ako nakaulit pa dahil naging mas mahirap ang application process nito noong sumunod na taon. Marami na ngang mga mayayamang estudyante ang nakakapasok sa Unibersidad at dapat lang nga na magbayad sila ng mas mataas na matrikula base sa kinikita ng kanilang mga magulang. To each his own. Isang problema kasi ay maraming sagabal sa pagbabayad ng matrikula: 

kawalan ng impormasyon - hindi alam ng mga estudyante na mayroong alternatibo para makapag-enroll
gabutas ng karayom na screening process - mahirap ang application at approval system sa STFAP
otomatikong paglalagay sa mga bagong Iskolar sa default bracket
kawalan ng installment plan sa pagbabayad ng matrikula
kung mayroon mang student loan, maiksi ang oras para mabayaran ito o di kaya'y wala namang guarantor para dito
student loan nga pero kulang ang pondo kaya hindi rin mabigyan ang karamihan sa mga nag-aapply rito

Opinyon ko ang mga nasulat sa taas. Maraming maaaring gawing paraan upang mailigtas ang napakaraming Kristel sa ating bansa. Gupo, talunan, walang laban.. iilan lamang sa mga salitang maaaring gamitin upang sumahin ang kaganapang ito na nagpailing, nagpaiyak, nagpagalit at nagpakilos sa maraming estudyante, guro, magulang, kapatid at kamag-anak.

Sa pagpanaw ni Kristel ay nasama ang pag-asa ng magulang sa maaaring naging maganda at matagumpay na karera nito sa pagtatapos sa Unibersidad. Ngunit isang kolektibo ng aral, ideya at paniniwala naman ang naging kapalit nito. Malaki ang naging bayad para matuto, makinig at maniwala ang mga tao sa paulit-ulit na pangyayaring ito. Nagkaroon ng pangngalan at mukha ang suliraning iyon. Sa tingin ko, ang kasalanan lang sa buong pangyayari ay hindi nabigyan ng patas na laban si Kristel. 

Mailap ang magandang baraha kung may nag-iipit nito. Madali ring magsabi na nadaya ka kahit na walang pruweba. Minsan naman, kailangan mo lang magbalasa kahit hindi ka marunong lalo't kailangan na.

feels like a school essay graded 3.0 for effort

Every era has its own shining moment in history. That is somewhat what the history books of old elementary schools have in their pages. Somewhere, somehow, sometime in the history of the world, the young have something to do that is quite worthy to be put in the history books. 

I have been born during the time of modernization of television, new strategies in show business and the ever so interesting Philippine-endemic practice of block timing. Along with others who grew used to doing siestas in the afternoon and waking up to the familiar smell of instant pancit canton at home and banana cue from the kanto. It is a world where in the summer heat is battled by the cooling effects of halo-halo and ice candy wrapped in cheap but elastic plastic tubes. Those were back in the time when environmentalism was just a grand myth and the effects of a slowly grilling earth were just a seasonal thing.

It is good to relive the wonders and joys of youth, though my generation is not as old as it thinks it is. My generation belongs to the population of young adults trapped in the transition of growing up and leave the things of youth. At the same time being hushed during the discussion of the older generations since we are all but “young” people and we should not interrupt the “grown ups” when they are talking. It is as ambiguous as it gets: we yearn to grow old when we’re young and we yearn to stay young as we get old. Maybe that’s the reason why many cling to the hope of reading the articles written for the twenty-somethings.

My generation is awake and asleep at the same time. Personally, I would have wanted to try and live in the earlier years when television was as bland as the limited colors and resolutions it offered. It is fun to imagine what it felt like in the earlier years seen in old photographs and all. I bet it was fun to live in an age when you can still be considered as something relevant and original. We sleep just to dream of being relevant but many of us wake up to the fact that we are not as close as we dreamt to be.

I personally felt that it was better for the older folks in terms of almost everything: culture, beliefs, advocacy and what not. Though I really think that my generation is lucky enough to see the forthcoming liberation of the genders and sexualities that the old world had always shunned and persecuted. I am just wondering where my generation’s First Quarter Storm has gone? It is good to know that yesterday’s youth (today’s old) worked hard for what we now enjoy. Sometimes it is just surprising to see how “today” continues to turn out.

How come we are stuck in an age where everything is being served up almost instantly though everything loses its flavour and sizzle even before they are even served?

It may have something to do with being an “old soul” though it is hard enough to live with all the amenities available to us at the tips of our fingers. It just feels like the integrity of our reality lies at the mercy of applications on our smart phones, consumer research and transient belief systems.

I am sure many who belong to my generation are doing things to change the way it is right now. It is good to know that there are still people who try. Maybe this is just a natural reaction, hardwired to my generation that is trying to figure out what to do with this gift of young age. It still beats trying to figure out what to order at a high end coffee joint and which picture of that beverage to be put up on Instagram. My generation is better than that.

i need a list on my arms

Today, I am again reminded of how reading takes you to the place you least expect to be and yet feel that it was a needed shove.

I cover paper with words every day,
But the stories never go anywhere
I find worth going.

-Timequake by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Chapter 11, page 45

I remember saying this to a loved one recently. I told her that I do write but it sort of still sucks and depresses the shit out of me that I haven't written anything that goes out to where I want it to be. The exchange came over a cup of coffee, recent memories, feels and slight realizations. 

She said that I know that I am good at what I do and that is what separates me from her. I refuse to accept that statement.

She is lovely. I always forget to tell her that. 

Today I am reminded again of how much I refuse to learn the essential things. I need to close my eyes to the superficial as I feel more mundane than I was yesterday. I am also reminded of how the creases on her eye lids have smeared the emerald tint of her liner.

I need to go back into loving things, people and the prospect of tomorrow. I need to be reminded always and it sucks.

Young 'uns

I never really get to know my son that much as I would want to. It is not due to the fact that we are 6 hours away from each other or anything that has to do with proximity. We really click it when we hang around the city with our little snacks and drinks and mischief that is innate in every boy. We're really both messy, sweaty and angry. It's true, we are angry. I don't really know how that happened or what but I know I'm an angry person and my son has probably inherited much of that rage from me. He'd throw fits every now and then, cry about things he couldn't get and look all mushy and cuddly right after. He's a handsome bastard, more handsome than his male predecessors. I guess that's how children are, I guess that's how my son takes after me than most ways that I can think of.

I make sure that I see him as often as I could and not miss the most important parts of his young life. He is a good kid, I know that, every parent does when they're dealing with their kids. He may be a bit of a snotty kid but he's really the sweetest, even sweeter than her mother (that part, I admit, I had nothing to do with.) My last visit was like the usual, eating out, buying stuff and doing the same old family thing. We do what we can. It's fun like that.

We tried to bring him to the barber for a cut but he was having none of it. He scolded me and his mum and even the barber for having him try to sit on the chair. He was angry like that, plus, he wanted a bottle of milk and his afternoon nap. He was just furious and teary eyed but still handsome as ever.

It happened to be the last week of the Panagbenga 2013. Session Road was closed for a week and was commissioned to be full of stalls that showcase the different trades and crafts of the modern Filipino. Food was the number one priority for me, though. Nothing beats the variety of food available during the event and be ready for the extra pounds

His mum lined up for an order of Ilocos empanada (which unfortunately was a waste of money, it was an injustice to call it such since the genuine Ilocos empanada is as heavenly as food can get.) She ordered that the little prince be walked around for a while so he wouldn't be irritable or anything and to get him away from the burning heat of the day. That's just what I did, I carried him around like a trophy. I heaved and huffed and the sweat started to show. It was a mess, I was a mess. He was enjoying the sights though he had a scrunched expression on his face, he got that from me. Beams of light peeked through and felt like heat from a nearby oven. I watched my son look on and about and at different things and faces that we passed by.

The pretentious oily mess that posed like empanada was not yet ready so we turned and walked further. We walked past a local office supplies store and my prince started wriggling on and about. He was pointing at something on the display of the store. Of course, I had to stop. Everything for my little boy, of course. He was pointing at the toys on display. I asked him which one he liked and he just said "That one." I pointed to everything at the display until the last one. I figured he wouldn't want that one, but he did. He pointed at the a cheap looking toy set, a cook set.

I told him he wouldn't want that because it was for girls but he insisted on buying it. He was starting to get angry then. I urged him not to get the toy but he really wanted to get it. He was starting to get teary eyed and his cheeks flushed. I carried him back to his mum to ask for the go signal. He was having none of my behavior and attitude towards what he wanted to do. His mum gave the green light and back we went to the store. I gave him a hundred, he held it firmly in his right hand. He knew he was getting that toy set. He just knew it.

I think I was supposed to be angry at that thing. About the fact that my son wanted to play with girly toys. But what he did next taught me more than I could teach him. He was slicing the toy veggies and meat and put it inside the casserole, he was careful to put it on the stove and check the flame level. He was keen and bright like that. 

"Daddy, cook. Luto!"

I know I'm an angry man but when it comes to him, I'm just like a neophyte again, undergoing a further initiation into a bigger responsibility and humbling experience. He was angry but patient enough with his dad. It made me think how people make up the constructs inside their heads and try to impose them on their kids and the younger generations. It always had to do with rules and the main prospect of following it, to the letter. The construct of being gay has something to do with toys, colors, dainty things and queer stuff but really, they don't. And people should stop being angry for the wrong reasons.

And as my son taught me, parents shouldn't be always the ones to jump the gun and reinforce the fate they want for their children. They just want to play, they need to play, even if they had to do so with their own choices and preference. He wanted to play with the cook set because he associated it with his mama and papa cooking dinner and yummy snacks for him, not because he was gay or what. And so what if he was? So what if he chooses that path in the future? It isn't a disease that can be cured or a decision that can be swayed with indoctrination and severe enforcement.

He really loves that cook set. I think I'll build him a real kitchen in the future. I'll have my own angry cook. Flushed but with taste.