Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes; I’m not strong enough to do it in persons.

I realize now that I’m attracted to you for the same reason I can’t be with you: you can’t change.

And I have no problem with that, but it clearly means I have a problem with myself.

I’m sure there’s no perfect version of me. I’m sure I’ll just unify species after species and never really be complete.

But I know how it goes with us. I lose who I am and become part of you. Because in a strange way, you’re better at what I do without even trying.

Yours, and nobody else’s, 


Monday, June 5, 2017

These OId Bones

I just suck the fun out of everything. Day by day, the flavor gets muted and the sensation... is far from what it was. I am tired and yet I do not exert enough effort. I am disappointed by so many things. These emotions are not doing me any good.

Sometimes I feel that I do not care enough about the things that really matter and that I put too much weight on things that don't. I am stuck in a roundabout and I'm running out of gas. I think I need to rest these old bones. What you do, what you feel, what you think, along with your sins are not my burden anymore. They are not mine to carry -- the same way that I don't give you a cross to bear.

Talk is cheap. Let's just keep quiet.


Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Almost 27 years. I think that's old enough to say that play time is over. 

As a kid, my parents always told me not to pick fights with others. As I grew up, I always thought "Why not?" Especially when you're on the right side of the fence. Trying to make a man out of my own lauds, picking a fight seemed to be a good idea.

Fast forward to year 27, everything seems like a fight-in-the-making. Jokes, exchanges, drinking binges, for Christ's sake -- even driving. Friends can sometimes feel like strangers you'd definitely scoff at on your way to work, and family becomes overbearing at times. Always looking for a fault so I can spew some nasty things at them. Not a good sign. Sometimes, I just want to bury memories and blur faces. But then again, I may just be overthinking.

Again, in a drunk stupor, I ask a buddy of mine what he thinks of this story I told him. I got pissed at him for telling me off, that I was too busy investing time on shit that didn't matter. I shouted in response -- "Well, it matters to me!" Only after waking up the next day with a bad hangover and an even worse buzz brought about by a sudden realization that I came to a conclusion that I do think too much of things that don't really matter. So fuck it, fuck that, fuck you, fuck everything. Less shit for me to take on. Less fake people to rub elbows with, less distractions on my part. And at year 27, that sounds like a good plan.

I need to see less, feel less, worry less to experience more. Some things are just not worth your attention. So instead of goodbye, I say good riddance. It was fun while the booze was in and the food was hot.


Wednesday, May 25, 2016

White Flag

Being at war with yourself is an absurd thought and yet it is very real. The factions, the bullets, the wounds, the scars, the casualties, the truce, the ending of peace talks, the firefights, the meaninglessness of it all.

I have been at war with myself for quite a long time. It was and still is a fiasco in my head. Why did this happen? How did it begin? When will it end? Will it ever end? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to surrender for the longest time. Always thinking about how tough I am. A man’s man. You never see a man crying - he never shows it because it’s none of your business. That bullshit kept replaying in my head whenever I relive the moments of my despair and deception.

Blaming everyone but myself was counterproductive. It is a vicious cycle. Even Sid would agree with me here. Always someone else was to be blamed for my misfortunes, never me. Never me who is great, talented, skillful, lovable, admirable, smart, liked and loved by most people.

Also, the fact that you have to mean something in this world didn’t help with the continuous beatings. At 26, you should be this. At 27, you should be earning this much. At 30, you should be ready to settle down. At 35, happy with your own family. At 40, probably retire early and pursue your passions or maybe put up a profitable business to live comfortably the rest of your life. The immense pressure is cracking me up. Seeing friends succeed, seeing them get married, seeing them happy with traveling, seeing them seeing other people - places, opportunities while I rot away in limbo. Wasting away talent and doing away with a mediocre skill set. Trying to find meaning and relevance in a world of measures and standards by which we are judged. Driving the newest car, having the most expensive watch, living the lifestyle that you could have only dreamed of, wearing the most in-the-new trends in fashion, riding the lightest time trial bike... All of those things just whirring in your head even in your sleep is dragging, I tell you.

All of this self defeating self talk will one day be a page in a diary. The troubles of a young mind crippled by debilitating anxiety, trust issues, family quarrels that sometimes turn into violent confrontations, humblebrags from contemporaries, the wanting of a better life and so on. So it goes said Vonnegut. And it will go. I tell you. Everything will go. As for now, I come to understand that without struggle, there is no triumph. Without hardship, nothing is ever worth celebrating. And that wars can come to a complete standstill, they can rage on for as long as you want, and that the fighting never stops until one side drops the guns and the contempt for the other and become the man - if not the BIGGER man. Only I can stop the cycle and the first way that I can do it is to wave my white flag over my head and only pray that the other side stops shooting. Drop everything and surrender. Sometimes it is the only way to win. 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Doon sa malayo
Umaabot ang bulong ng mga alon
Gaano man kaliit at kahina
Darating at babangga sa kabilang dulo ng kongkretong dalampasigan
Makinang sa liwanag ng araw
Tahimik sa paghiwa ng de-makinang mga bangka
Aalis at babalik sa pantalan lulan ang pangangailangan at pagtupad sa pangako ng isa na namang araw
Salamat, umaga.