Still at work. But I'm hoping to go home later this afternoon. Ah, how nice it is to finally think you're going home. Though I wasn't really far FAR away, something is still amiss. I've noticed my arms got thinner, maybe it's from the lack of exercise and additional stress because of work. The late nights were also a factor. I also noticed that my neck grew rings of fat around, leaving creases of unhealthy fat. My gut grew bigger, too. Thank you fast-food chains. I'll die fat, fast because of you.
This will be a breather for my usual longer posts (I am sorry for that, btw.) I had no connection last night so I wasn't able to post anything the past couple of days.
Just this morning, I said goodbye to my phone. I cracked the screen by sitting on it. It crushed under my steadily increasing weight and against my cheap knuckle dusters on my right back pocket. The LCD screen broke in more than 3 places and the colors were dead pixels: streaks of bright pink and navy blue along with white lines and black gapes.
There was consolation to it, though, I managed to make a few calls before putting it away in my bag. Glad to have mastered the interface to call up my mom who gave me the phone. It was a short call full of apologies. She laughed and reminded me how much the phone cost as a joke. I was embarrassed. I told her I'll get a new one on my own.
That's pretty much it. It was a waste and I felt stupid for not remembering that I had the phone in my back pocket. I thought of leaving that phone at home the moment I got a new one. Oh well. I feel bad. If it were really mine, I wouldn't have felt that way. It's just that I remember my mum having to put up with a crappy phone set just to buy me a new one that I've managed to wreck twice now with finality and deep sentiments.
It's funny how we can get so close to things that are material only to remember that it was just a symbol of a deeper connection. I didn't care about how much the phone cost, I cared about how my mum thought of me the moment she decided to give it to me for my birthday.
This is my first Sunday entry. All other entries in the past have been written during the weekdays and maybe on Saturdays, too, but never Sundays. The thing is, I'm still at work and about 6 hours and a paycheck away from home. I don't mind being away from home if I need to. But as a dear friend always says: "Charge it to experience." And so I shall. I don't really want to jump on the bandwagon but the celebration of dead loved ones is upon us. As a nation, we religiously follow this tradition and culture. We bring candles, flowers and sometimes food (those who have northern roots will know the significance of "Atang" as well as our Chinese kin by bringing food to the resting place of the deceased.) Filipinos really do value the notion of honoring the dead. I think that WE believe that it's the appropriate thing to do since a vast majority of us only see the dead's importance as they pass on. Well, that's just my opinion. Keeping true to the topic of this post, a hearse drove by me just a while ago as I picked up my laundry. The hearse didn't have a casket in it and I think the driver just finished gassing up at the station. Funny or maybe, peculiar thing about it is that it was booming. Yes, the slow drive to the final resting place has annoyed many if not most of us one time or another. The slow pace, the wailing people and the traffic that they sometimes cause are a few things (not essentially bad things since WE do honor the dead as I said earlier) that can somewhat irk us. Going back to my story, the hearse was playing real loud music. Nothing unusual about that, right? It played Bad Medicine. Pretty badass, I thought. Going out in that glorious glam rock tune? I'd say that'll be pretty memorable aside from the capricious pink casket that a local funeral service uses as a peg for promotion and sales. Just imagine the procession of loved ones as they parade your lifeless shell into its final destination. They're all dressed in glam rock attires with all the shiny neon prints and tight ass pants while rocking two-tone electric mullets. In view of honoring our dead, we go through lengths to make sure their final wishes are obeyed. Theatrics and culture: they can intertwine maybe even as we enter the afterlife.
At dahil ako'y nasa trabaho pa rin hanggang bukas, heto ang trip kong gawin habang naghihintay datnan ng antok. Pero sa halip na datnan ng antok ay mukhang pagpipiyestahan muna ako ng mga lamok na umaaligid sa aking make-shift quarters. Kakapatay ko lang sa isang lamok na nagsuicide sa pagtapat sa screen ko ngayon. Anyhow, matapos ang isa na namang lakad kanina ay napag-alaman kong hindi pa raw ako pwedeng umuwi dahil mayroon pang gagawin bukas. Dios mio lord, one day lang ang pahinga pagkatapos noon ay balik destino na naman uli. Buhay trabaho. Hindi na ako magrereklamo dahil kahit papaano ay naibalik na sa akin ang perang ginastos ko sa sarili ko para sa pagkain at iba pang kailangan sa aking paglagi rito. Anyhow, ako ay nagpalipas oras noong nakaraang mga araw sa pagpunta sa always friendly Booksale. Maganda ang branch nila rito at hindi makalat, malayo sa madalas na kalagayan ng mga branches nila sa ibang mga lugar. Kaunti lang ang selection nila pero maganda rin naman ang mga dala nilang mga titulo. Hindi katulad ng nasa Baguio kung saan bombarded ako ng mga stimuli mula sa bawat sulok ng lugar (kung saan pinagkasya ang mga tao at mga bentang libro, pero lab ko pa rin ang Booksale.)
Magandang umaga at isang malamig na spaghetti bilang almusal.
Nakalimutan kong banggitin ang mga sumusunod sa aking nakalipas na post ng pasasalamat.
Isang senior editor ng PDI Northern Luzon - Sir Jawo, tanda ko pa rin ang ten commandments ng mga peryodista na ipinatatak nyo sa amin sa klase. Hinding hindi ko malilimutan ang libel clause doon. Responsibilidad at isang karangalan ang pagsusulat sa peryodiko o sa kahit anong limbagan ng isip at katotohanan. Dahil sa mga deadlines sa klase ay natutunan kong madaling mapanis ang balita. Sana ang kinain kong spahhetti ay hindi panis. Maraming salamat din po sa mini Guyito stuffed toy na pinagpaubaya ninyo sa akin. May ikukwento ako sa aking anak pagdating ng panahon. Limited edition kaya yun kasi may santa hat pa.
Sa aking trabaho - Maraming salamat rin at nakahanap ako ng pagbubuhusan ng aking pinag-aralan sa loob ng limang taon. Bukod sa pangunahing pinagmumulan ng aking ikinabubuhay at ikinabibisyo, ang mga istilong kinailangan kong aralin at palabasin sa aking mga gawa ay nakakapagpabago ng ideya tungkol sa pagsusulat. Practice makes perfect nga, kailangan ko pa ng mas maraming practice. Kulang pa ang abilidad ko upang gampanan nang lubusan ang aking trabaho. Pasensya na kung ako'y mareklamo kung minsan. Pakipot ka rin kasi.
Ayan, may iba pa akong dapat pasalamatan pero iniisip ko pa. Isa na naman itong singit na post sa aking busy-busy-han na schedule. Sana ay makauwi ako mamya sa amin. Marami pa akong ie-encode pagdating sa bahay. Let's destroy our deadlines. Madaling mapanis ang balita.
Ang pagsusulat ang isa sa mga naging magandang nangyari sa buhay ko. Sa ngayon, ito ang aking ikinabubuhay at minsan ay ikinasasama ng loob. Sabagay, ganoon nga siguro ang isang love/hate relationship- bittersweet. At bilang pasasalamat sa mga taong nakatulong sa aking pagsusulat, inaalay ko ang aking post na ito sa mga writers. Hindi ko nalang nunumerohan ang pagkakasunod-sunod sa aking pasasalamat.
Pasado alas otso na ako nakarating sa aking camp site at may dala akong Chao Fan at Sausage Special bun galing Chowking. Awa ng Diyos at mainit ang pagkain ko ngayon. Nagwelga ang bilbil ko sa pagkain ko kagabi kahit ginusto ko namang magpagutom at makaramdam ng konting awa sa sarili. Natuwa ako sa sausage special kasi halagang sampung piso yung gulay na amoy utot na. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganun pero kinain ko parin kasi masama ang nagsasayang ng pagkain. Baka mabalis ako. At dati ay pinapagalitan ako pag hindi ko nauubos ang pagkain. Naalala ko na kung bakit pwede ko nang sandalan ang tiyan ko pag walang magawa sa bus.
At eto na nga, tapos na akong maghapunan. Ano kayang ginagawa ng anak ko ngayon? Sa malamang ay nagpapahele sa kanyang mommy. At siguro ay panis na naman ang paa nya sa kakatakbo buong araw nang nakamedyas. Tinitignan ko ang mga litrato nya sa cellphone ko kanina, naaaliw talaga ako kasi ang bibo at loko nya tignan sa mga litrato. At ang gwapo. Gosh! Sorry sa mga taong nagbabasa nito pero kailangan kong i-hardsell ang anak ko. Anak ko nga eh hahaha!
Ayon, natapos na ang jolt na dala ng unti-unting natutunaw na sugar sa aking tiyan na siya namang magdadagdag ng pulupot sa bilbil kong three layers na ang taas. Mag-iinat lang ako at mag-eencode na ng mga transcript at mag-aayos ng mga encoded documents ng ibang tao. Mamaya nalang uli.
Iniisip kong magvideo chat pero naalala kong shy-type ako. At hindi na lalong nakakatuwa iyon dahil may malaki akong pimpol sa gilid ng butas ng ilong na nagmumukha nang maliit na pasas. Buti na lang busog ako ngayong araw. Maraming salamat, Panginoon.
Heto, unang beses kong magsusulat bago pumunta ng trabaho. Well, technically tinulugan ko ang trabaho ko dahil sa mismong opisina ako natutulog for the past 2 weeks. Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan ang ginagawa ko rito. Clueless. Sabagay, kailangan ko pa sigurong mag-isip nang mas malalim. Ang tanging reprieve ko ngayon ay ang ideya na makikita ko ang anak ko pagdating ng maiksing bakasyon na nakalaan para sa paggunita sa mga yumaong mahal sa buhay. Naalala ko tuloy ang tita ko na nawala noong nakaraang taon. Mag-iisang taon na rin mula nang pumanaw ang Tita Mila. Nakakamiss ang tita. Sana nagustuhan nya ang memorial tattoo ko para sa kanya. Nginig ang taba ko sa tagiliran dun ah.
"The thoughts of a prisoner- they're not free either. They kept returning to the same things." - One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Lately, I've been struggling to write things that should just come out naturally since there is not much introspection involved (I think) in writing them. Depth is average, I thought too. Understanding is average. Explanation should be. Memorability should be too. But, I thought long and hard and understood that I had to think harder. I thought it was simple.
This will be a post regarding my thoughts lately and the confusion that led to relatively longer process of writing them.
1. I have no clue with what I'm doing now - I've been working on my own for nearly a year now. After graduation, it was all I could think about. Come to think of it, ever since I had a son, it was all I could think about. I said to myself "I will build an empire for my prince" which is actually true up to this point but I had no image in my head how to do it. And now that I'm working, I still have no clue to what I'm doing. I'm amazed at the fact that I still have a job and that I haven't been kicked out (earlier.) This politics thing is just exhaustive and I start to wonder why people do this much to get to government seats. I'll talk about this when I get the time but the political machinery, planning, scheming, destroying, tapping, teabagging, creeping, spending, sleeping on the job and a whole lot more is just dizzying. I feel like a dog at the office, just waiting for my food to be served. I also think that I am dumb, in one way or another.
2. I don't remember things as much as I have to. Tattoos don't help nor commemorative items - I have this scar on my left hand that signifies my birth into circle. Yes, I remember the tenets but no, I do not remember the pain that I had to endure to get it. I love that scar but I don't remember how ideological I was back then when I was on the process of healing. I was shiny in every which way that a new member should be, reciting in my head the many different ideals the scar stood for. That's just me. Sometimes I think that I just don't really give a fuck about the more important things in my life right now. I am just drifting by and letting myself be swept to any which way the current goes. I think it's kind of a good thing but a majority of that thinking tells me to give more thought into remembering the more important things, people and events. I don't suck at remembering things, I guess. I'm just good at not caring enough.
3. I fail every single time. - I think I have an attention span of a goldfish. Maybe that's why number 3 is too short. I have to write down things so I don't forget~ what was I talking about again?
4. I let go of people I should care more about. Hence, number 2. - Generally, right. Maybe that's why most of the friends I've made during the earlier years of my life have been recent strangers to me, even the good ones, too. That just sucks. They've all got their groups all intact and there's me, on another plane of existence. Whoa, deep. I'm trying to make an effort of mending old friendships and trying to keep the ones I have right now. Is it me or is it getting depressing more and more as the list gets longer?
5. Politics. Fuck me. - This pretty much sums it up.
6. I'm looking at the people I know, people hard at work, and I wonder what I'm doing with mine. - I get up to look at pages of my old planner and see some scribbles I did back then. The answer still eludes me. There are all these good people doing things that they are really good at and having a good time. Maybe, some of them are like that but the rest are doing fine. And then I look at my office desk and see nothing getting done. Or I do these things but just have to push extra hard, even the simpler ones need nudge down the already steep hill. I can't seem to get on the bandwagon.
There are a couple more things that I'd like to write about but I can't seem to wrap my words around them. I need my muse.
Panahon na para magbawas ng mga kalituhan sa kasalukuyan. Marami nang extra baggage na hindi naman na dapat binibitbit. Tingin sa malayo pero mag-ingat sa mga papalapit, baka mahagip. Mata sa langit, paa sa lupa.
Noong linggo, habang bumibiyahe pabalik ng Bulacan ay naabutan ko ang The Expendables 2 na palabas sa bus na sinasakyan ko. Medyo late na ang post na ito dahil tapos na ang Expendables mania (kung meron man) at naaliw ako sa napanood ko. Sa sobrang testosterone overload eh pinagpawisan yung palad ko sa panonood. Pano ba naman kasi, ang entrance pa lang nila eh amped up na sa action star goodness.
How do you keep all (well, most) of your lead actors alive at the end of the film? Get action heroes from past to present films. First off, you'll never have to worry about ammo since they all seem to have the best guns with the longest ammo clips in history. Their combat skills are second to none. They shoot crazy well even with just a six-shooter or throwing knives. They have that unique kill streak with things exploding everywhere. They get roughed up a bit but fucks their enemies to a mist. Too bad, Liam Hemsworth got held up by Scott Adkins (Yuri Boyka in Undisputed 2 and 3) and Jean Claude Van Damme (dapat kilala nyo to kahit di kayo action flick fanatic.) Execution by a stab to the heart delivered by a spinning side heel kick: just pure theatrics.
I can't say the movie is all good, it is fun to watch though. Ang mga karakter ang nagbigay ng badass mofo air sa pelikula. Ito ang breakdown nila:
1. Sylvester Stallone - Unang una sa listahan ang direktor ng unang Expendables film. Rambo eh, kaso may soft spot para sa mga gypsy chicks at sa mga taong nangangailangan ng tulong. Killing machine with a good heart and a gunslinger trigger finger? Pasok sya dun, at maganda rin ang kanyang shoulder and sleeve piece.
2. Jet Li - "Great beer!" Mabilis lang talaga sya, pati pagkuha nya ng beer sa waiter ay kailangang idaan sa pagtakbo sa gilid ng pader at perfect 10.0 landing. Sayang lang at sa intro lang sya nakita.
3. Randy Couture - "The Natural." Idol ko si Randy dahil true life gladiator sya. At macho din pati tenga nya dahil sa wrestler's ear infection nya. Kaya nyang i-flex yun at will.
4. Dolph Lundgren - isang make believe Russian Cosmonaut na sa totoong buhay ay mayroong IQ at degree na sa panaginip lang nakukuha ng karamihan sa atin. Sa tingin ko size 18 ang boots nya at yung kyutsilyo nya ay, well, kyut to say the least.
5. Terry Crews - Si Old Spice man. Popopopopopopoweeeerrr! Kung hindi nyo pa napanood ang Old Spice ads ay hindi nyo maiintindihan. At magaling din siyang kumanta ng "A Thousand Miles." Eto ang video nya sa commercial. Peborit ko ang mga hirit nya sa pelikula.
6. Chuck Norris - ito ay hindi ko na kailangang ipaliwanag pa.
7. Bruce Willis - Si Church. Die Hard action hero. At maganda ang porma nya habang pumapatay ng mga kalaban.
8. Arnold Schwarz~ Si Terminator at Predator killer. Ang childhood action hero ko. Well, THE LAST ACTION HERO. Nakailang "I'll be back" references sya sa pelikula.
9. Jason Statham - Transporter, Chev Chelios. Crazy badass ang pagtatapon nya ng mga kutsilyo laban na sa chapel scene sa pelikula. May insenso pang dala. Pati ang 'classic' style nya gamit ang knuckle dusters.
10. Scott Adkins - Sayang at mabilis ang role nya. Sana lang pinahaba pa ang fight scene nila ni Statham. Maganda sana kung ala Undisputed ang galing nya sa pelikula at todo knife fight ang nangyari. Wala syang laban sa helicopter blades.
11. Jean Claude Van Damme - gamit ang kanyang Frenchie accent sa "Don't challenge me" na linya, nakakaaliw panuorin si Guile na maging kontrabida. Short lived ang kanyang role dahil naging masama lang naman sya nang buo dahil sa pagpatay nya kay Hemsworth.
Marami rin akong naalalang scenes mula sa Call of Duty MW2. Yung airport shootout na buti nalang ay mga kontrabida ang itinumba, kawawa naman kasi ang mga sibilyan sa shootout sa game. Ang recreated New York neighborhood scene ay katulad naman ng sa siege ng Russians sa Amerika. All out war nga. Sayang nga at hindi mga totoong tao sina Mason, Price, Roach at Ghost. Mas all-star cast sana.
Pasensya na kung hindi nyo pa napanuod ang pelikula. Maraming spoiler pero nakakaaliw talaga. Matatawa ka na lang sa mga hirit nila. Lame puns pa minsan. At dagdag pala sa survival tips ng mga leading action stars, add a "lucky ring."
Magsusulat ako... Mamaya. Tatapusin ko lang 'tong trabaho ko habang naghihintay ng antok sa gitna ng tatlong sementeryo at isang punerarya. Maraming salamat. Magsusulat ako mamaya. (With matching buntong-hininga at nginig ng boses.)
"Minsan, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang iisipin sa buhay professional ko. Pro ako kasi may trabaho naman ako, kumikita ng pera sa... sa... sa ano nga bang paraan? Eto, may gig uli kami. Party uli. Syempre kainan, inuman, lasingan, tugtugan uli. May konting sayawan din at maraming alak na involved. Nauuhaw ako, sayang hindi pa pwedeng uminom. Pero syempre, sisimple at sisimple rin naman ako. Pwede ba yun na sila lang ang iinom eh kami naman ang magpeperform? Tugtugan na naman. Heto na, rakrakan uli. Masarap sana yung mga pagkain sa party nila kaso malamig na, maaga kasi ata sila nagsimula kumain. Maraming ulam, syempre may karne, karamihan kasi mga lalaki. Konting gulay, masarap yung parang chopsuey na parang gravy instead of light sauce. Pero malamig na nga, at nagdidiyeta rin ako. Mahirap na, inuman mga pinupuntahan namin e tapos kain tapos sigarilyo. Puro bisyo, tawag ng katawan. Buti nalang sagana ako sa tulog, isang bisyong hinding hindi ko bibitiwan. Bakit? Bakit hindi? Libre na, masarap pa. May mga nakikita pa kong mga taong matagal ko nang di nakakausap o nayayakap. Sa tulog, di pa lumalaki tiyan ko, o nangunguluntoy ang baga ko sa usok, hindi rin lumiliit ang mga pupils ko sa pagbabatak at pagtuturok. Tapos na ko dun. Tulog na lang, maluwag naman ang sched kasi gabi naman kadalasan ang gig.
Minsan, sa mga di-inaasahang pagkakataon at mga tao ay nakakapulot ako ng mga aral sa buhay na matagal ko na palang alam pero ngayon ko lang naiintindihan. Dumaan ako sa U.P. Diliman para bumisita sa mga kakilala (kakilala dahil sila lang talaga ang kilala ko sa UPD) na nagkataon namang mga Brods ko lahat. Tumambay kami, bisita lang naman talaga para makapagkakwentuhan uli. Matagal na rin kasi simula noong nagkakwentuhan talaga kami. Bukod sa mga kalokohan ng pagiging mga lalake ay nagkaayaan na rin uminom nang kaunti. Sabagay, kaunti lang naman ang nainom mo pag nakakauwi ka pa ng bahay mo (lalo na kung tatawid ka pa ng probinsya para makauwi.) Dumating ang isang Brod ko galing trabaho, matagal ko na rin siyang kilala. Nagkakilala kami sa tambayang ito rin, 2 years ago siguro. Noong nagsa-summer classes ako sa unibersidad para makagraduate na rin sa wakas. Di ko alam, madedelay pa rin ako ng isa pang taon. Maaliwalas kausap ang taong ito, maraming kwento, maraming tawa sa mga iba't-ibang bagay mula sa babae hanggang sa mga kalokohan ng pagiging isang estudyante, palangiti rin sya. Basta, maaliwalas. Noong nag-aaral ako sa Baguio ay nagkataon namang umakyat sya para sa isang business meeting. Tumambay naman kami sa tambayan namin doon, sa hagdanan. Same old, same old pa rin. Kwento, tawa, kain, at iba pa. Nung paalis na sya, hinatid namin sya sa sakayan ng bus pero bago yun, tumumba muna kami ng ilang bote ng Red Horse bilang Bon Voyage sa kanyang 7-hour trip pabalik ng Maynila. Doon ko sya mas lubos na nakilala. Mahirap kasi makahanap ng mga taong kapareho mo ng pinagdaanan sa buhay. Hindi naman katulad na katulad sa bawat detalye kundi yung may kapareho mo ng pananaw sa mga pangyayari sa buhay mo. Gaya ko, maaga rin sya nagkaroon ng pamilya. Naikwento nya ang istorya nila noon ng ex nya (ex dahil asawa na nya ngayon, magandang panggulat sa mga tao kasi witty at makulit, anyhow) at ang mga panahon ng paggapang nila para makabuo ng pamilya. Pagsisimula: lagi namang simula ang mahirap. Natuwa ako dahil may nakakaintindi sa akin, gulong-gulo kasi ako ng mga panahong iyon. Nakakaiyak balikan ang mga alaala pero nangyari na. Nakapulot ako ng mga aral sa Brod ko na yon. Kaya ganoon nalang ang respeto ko sa kanya at sa mga binitawan nyang payo at paalala bago sya umalis. "Hindi laging mahirap, gagaan din yan balang araw." Totoo nga, honest ang Brod ko na ito. Balik sa kasalukuyang panahon, nagkaharap kami muli. Yung kwentuhan at usap talaga, syempre may kasamang alak pero konti lang naman (seryosong konti na ang sinasabi ko rito.) Sabi nya "Alam mo Brod, binibida kita dun sa Ex ko nung nagkita tayo minsan. Sabi ko sa kanya 'Yang Brod ko na yan, matigas ang itlog nyan.' syempre nagulat ako at natawa nang bahagya. "Matigas ang itlog?" Hahaha kahit ngayon natatawa parin ako pero dagdag nya "Kasi dumaan rin sa hirap ng pagsisimula ng pamilya, hindi bumitaw." Ganun din naman ang tingin ko sa kanya. Matigas ang itlog. Umapaw sa bote ng beer ang respeto ko para sa kanya nung gabing yun. Dagdag pa roon, natandaan nya ang kwento ko at nai-share din sa iba. Kumbaga, tumatak din sa kanya ang rantings ko noon. Nakailang 'cheers' din kami at ilang bote ang naubos sa kakacheers na yun. Noon una, nagbebenta raw sya ng sandwich sa mga ospital na binebentahan nya ng gamot, sideline kumbaga. Gourmet raw ang gimik para malakas ang hatak sa mga bumibili. Sa sobrang patok daw, mas malakas ang benta nyang mga sandwich noon kesa sa benta ng mga ospital at may nag pre-orders pa. Hanep. Kayod talaga. Hindi ko inisip na makakahanap ako ng pampalakas ng loob sa mga taong minsan ko lang nakikita. Madalas kasi, puro mga balasubas ang kaharap ko sa inuman. Mga bastos haha pero may sense din naman kausap paminsan. Natutuwa ako at nakakilala ako ng mga taong tulad nila. Wula langs, shinare ko lang.
Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng meron sa "Skinny Love" ni Birdy (oo, Birdy ang pangalan nya at sya ay menor de edad, shame on you) pero nakakakati ulit-ulitin.
Malungkot pero maganda. At ang konsepto ng isang 'skinny love' ay parang masarap palawakin. Ba't nga ba 'skinny?' Skinny jeans? Payat lang talaga? Siguro nga payat lang. Kulang? Ewan. Mahirap ipaliwanag nang buo pero parang masarap isipin. Naalala ko tuloy 'nung una kong nalaman ang ibig sabihin ng salitang 'melancholy.' Tatay ko pa ang nagsabi nun, of all people, inisip ko 'nung bata ako tho mas naiintindihan ko na ngayon. Marami rin syang pwedeng ikalungkot. Shet ang deep ng sugat ng melancholic na tao. Depressed in spirits? Damn right. Sumasali pa ang "Ghost of a Good Thing" ng Dashboard Confessional. Bwisit kang iPod ka, bakit kasi gumana ka pa uli. Patay ka na e.
"Sana lahat sila'y kaya kong kilalanin. There was never a shortage of women in my life. Starting with my mother: man, I thought she was the greatest woman that had ever lived. Juggling three jobs at once to make ends meet, keeping up with the saintly shit that the world has passed on to her, being an educator when she gets home, being the 'all work, no play' person in her group of friends and so much more. Not even a stick of tobacco nor a drop of liquor. She was a handful and it's kind of sad since I didn't get to really meet her when she was here. She drifted along with the many women in my life that could have mattered more. She had me thinking and philosophizing on the roles of women in the home, in the heart and in the mind. 'Son, you never hold a woman to a post just to beat her up and throw her away when you're done. That is a bad thing to do.' And I watched her put up with that abuse until she withered away, uncanonized by whatever church she ruefully believed in. She was gone now, so I thought I could honor her by standing with what she told me. The many women that have come and gone in my life are not what I had imagined. I just looked up to the sky and asked "Why, mom? Why would you say such a cruel thing?' They were characters in stories that I've only read before. They were amazing, they were addictions, they were addicts, they were sinful, they were glorious, they were iridescent, they were physical manifestations of rules and exceptions. And those things that I just said of them were just part of the rolling summary. What makes me wonder is that I stuck with those women. Maybe it still stems from those pointy words but they were flawed and pretty because of that. They loved me and I loved them. To make things clear, I am not objectifying women. No, no, no Sir. This is a celebration. I was in love once with a misunderstood girl. She misunderstood me at the end, as well and ended what we had on a misunderstood night. We took each other in but I guess we really couldn't last for more than a year. She was long gone before I got the chance to explain things. Shit. I was in love with a friend but I realized we'd soon have to outgrow that. Whoever said friendship couldn't be outgrown must have had very good friends.We outgrew ours. I really can't remember who said that, maybe I just made it up to make myself feel good for our times. We never talked after that. I guess we're still friends, though we still don't know that. I was in love with a girl before, though it was too late to confess. We brushed it off. I knew her and she knew me but we were on different pages. We were both too late. I was in love with an immoral woman with such crooked ideas of morality. We made each other cry but for good reasons. We both didn't want to be in the losing end. I sometimes wonder what my mother would have said if I told her stories about that woman. We had sickly truncated notions of good and bad. We never worked but we loved each other, all and the same. She was sweet, that was my utter downfall. Another thing that bugs me is the fact that I'd rather replay those scenarios all over again rather than imagine new and perfect futures with women so perfect, so pretty, so cool and forgiving. Maybe it's due to the fact that I see those future women as 'not as real' as the women I've known. I was grounded by the fact that their existence were just thoughts of fantasy and make believe. I had cut my connection to the women in my distant and recent past. I guess I never got hold of what my sweet dead mother told me. It's that or I got it the wrong way."
