I'm writing this, with just my boxers on, sweat trickling from my nape and forehead as I nurse a semi-bad case of hangover. I had a bad night last night. It's a good thing there are still people who care. I have to write this now before it escapes me. I have to let out would-bes that are devastating for me. This is my laundry list.
I always don't have words for the more important things and people in my life. Having said that, I think that I've failed as a writer in the most basic sense. And that, in turn shows that I've failed in being an appropriate partner. In short, I have failed.
But the little angel at my right shoulder keeps telling me that I should start now. I should start writing for people I love instead of just creating copy for the company I work for. Indeed, I should.
1. I should've said "I love you" everyday in a love letter.
Yes. I should have. You may not accept it but that's what I feel. I just want to stare at your face when I'm with you and be impolite like that. I can't help it. I just love you in every way.
2. I should've told you that you were beautiful.
No, it should be said like "You're beautiful, not just now, last week when you wore that black dress or yesterday when you were dolled up for an event. You look beautiful. You are beautiful and I can't help but stare. I don't believe in telling you that you lookED beautiful. I know that each time I see you, you'll be at your most beautiful. And I will always whisper that to you each time I can."
3. I adore you in every way.
Sweeping me off my feet is one thing, making me adore you time and time again is another. You're strong. You're faithful. You're everything that I am not and that leads me to number four...
4. You inspire me.
You inspire me to be good. You inspire me to be better. You inspire me to give more love as you've given me.
5. I will never get tired of you.
We fight. That's what we do. That's us. Some will say that it's not healthy and that we should try looking at different directions altogether. I say, fuck off. It sucks to be far away and that I'm not there to make you feel everything I have for you but I won't get tired. I'll work my hands to the nub if I have to. I'll never stop working. We are better than this. Please don't let people tell you otherwise.
I have lots more to say. I hope that you'd just put that phone down and listen. I miss you.
"I always don't have words for the more important things and people in my life. Having said that, I think that I've failed as a writer in the most basic sense."
ReplyDeleteThe writer who I'm modelling myself after mentioned that what writers lay on paper will never be as beautiful as what's in their minds. It's a sad truth, but in your case, I don't think you've failed. There come times when there just aren't words or we choose to keep things to ourselves. Bow.
amen.
DeleteThis is so sweet and beautifully written, Chee. You're too good a writer to fail. That's not gonna be possible.
ReplyDeleteKind words. I guess it's never too late to tray and turn around failures.
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