Magsusulat ako...
Mamaya.
Tatapusin ko lang 'tong trabaho ko habang naghihintay ng antok sa gitna ng tatlong sementeryo at isang punerarya.
Maraming salamat.
Magsusulat ako mamaya. (With matching buntong-hininga at nginig ng boses.)
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Roofdeck
"Minsan, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang iisipin sa buhay professional ko. Pro ako kasi may trabaho naman ako, kumikita ng pera sa... sa... sa ano nga bang paraan?
Eto, may gig uli kami. Party uli. Syempre kainan, inuman, lasingan, tugtugan uli. May konting sayawan din at maraming alak na involved. Nauuhaw ako, sayang hindi pa pwedeng uminom. Pero syempre, sisimple at sisimple rin naman ako. Pwede ba yun na sila lang ang iinom eh kami naman ang magpeperform? Tugtugan na naman. Heto na, rakrakan uli.
Masarap sana yung mga pagkain sa party nila kaso malamig na, maaga kasi ata sila nagsimula kumain. Maraming ulam, syempre may karne, karamihan kasi mga lalaki. Konting gulay, masarap yung parang chopsuey na parang gravy instead of light sauce. Pero malamig na nga, at nagdidiyeta rin ako. Mahirap na, inuman mga pinupuntahan namin e tapos kain tapos sigarilyo. Puro bisyo, tawag ng katawan. Buti nalang sagana ako sa tulog, isang bisyong hinding hindi ko bibitiwan. Bakit? Bakit hindi? Libre na, masarap pa. May mga nakikita pa kong mga taong matagal ko nang di nakakausap o nayayakap. Sa tulog, di pa lumalaki tiyan ko, o nangunguluntoy ang baga ko sa usok, hindi rin lumiliit ang mga pupils ko sa pagbabatak at pagtuturok. Tapos na ko dun. Tulog na lang, maluwag naman ang sched kasi gabi naman kadalasan ang gig.
Eto, may gig uli kami. Party uli. Syempre kainan, inuman, lasingan, tugtugan uli. May konting sayawan din at maraming alak na involved. Nauuhaw ako, sayang hindi pa pwedeng uminom. Pero syempre, sisimple at sisimple rin naman ako. Pwede ba yun na sila lang ang iinom eh kami naman ang magpeperform? Tugtugan na naman. Heto na, rakrakan uli.
Masarap sana yung mga pagkain sa party nila kaso malamig na, maaga kasi ata sila nagsimula kumain. Maraming ulam, syempre may karne, karamihan kasi mga lalaki. Konting gulay, masarap yung parang chopsuey na parang gravy instead of light sauce. Pero malamig na nga, at nagdidiyeta rin ako. Mahirap na, inuman mga pinupuntahan namin e tapos kain tapos sigarilyo. Puro bisyo, tawag ng katawan. Buti nalang sagana ako sa tulog, isang bisyong hinding hindi ko bibitiwan. Bakit? Bakit hindi? Libre na, masarap pa. May mga nakikita pa kong mga taong matagal ko nang di nakakausap o nayayakap. Sa tulog, di pa lumalaki tiyan ko, o nangunguluntoy ang baga ko sa usok, hindi rin lumiliit ang mga pupils ko sa pagbabatak at pagtuturok. Tapos na ko dun. Tulog na lang, maluwag naman ang sched kasi gabi naman kadalasan ang gig.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Patigasan ng itlog
Minsan, sa mga di-inaasahang pagkakataon at mga tao ay nakakapulot ako ng mga aral sa buhay na matagal ko na palang alam pero ngayon ko lang naiintindihan.
Dumaan ako sa U.P. Diliman para bumisita sa mga kakilala (kakilala dahil sila lang talaga ang kilala ko sa UPD) na nagkataon namang mga Brods ko lahat. Tumambay kami, bisita lang naman talaga para makapagkakwentuhan uli. Matagal na rin kasi simula noong nagkakwentuhan talaga kami. Bukod sa mga kalokohan ng pagiging mga lalake ay nagkaayaan na rin uminom nang kaunti. Sabagay, kaunti lang naman ang nainom mo pag nakakauwi ka pa ng bahay mo (lalo na kung tatawid ka pa ng probinsya para makauwi.)
Dumating ang isang Brod ko galing trabaho, matagal ko na rin siyang kilala. Nagkakilala kami sa tambayang ito rin, 2 years ago siguro. Noong nagsa-summer classes ako sa unibersidad para makagraduate na rin sa wakas. Di ko alam, madedelay pa rin ako ng isa pang taon. Maaliwalas kausap ang taong ito, maraming kwento, maraming tawa sa mga iba't-ibang bagay mula sa babae hanggang sa mga kalokohan ng pagiging isang estudyante, palangiti rin sya. Basta, maaliwalas.
Noong nag-aaral ako sa Baguio ay nagkataon namang umakyat sya para sa isang business meeting. Tumambay naman kami sa tambayan namin doon, sa hagdanan. Same old, same old pa rin. Kwento, tawa, kain, at iba pa. Nung paalis na sya, hinatid namin sya sa sakayan ng bus pero bago yun, tumumba muna kami ng ilang bote ng Red Horse bilang Bon Voyage sa kanyang 7-hour trip pabalik ng Maynila. Doon ko sya mas lubos na nakilala.
Mahirap kasi makahanap ng mga taong kapareho mo ng pinagdaanan sa buhay. Hindi naman katulad na katulad sa bawat detalye kundi yung may kapareho mo ng pananaw sa mga pangyayari sa buhay mo. Gaya ko, maaga rin sya nagkaroon ng pamilya. Naikwento nya ang istorya nila noon ng ex nya (ex dahil asawa na nya ngayon, magandang panggulat sa mga tao kasi witty at makulit, anyhow) at ang mga panahon ng paggapang nila para makabuo ng pamilya. Pagsisimula: lagi namang simula ang mahirap. Natuwa ako dahil may nakakaintindi sa akin, gulong-gulo kasi ako ng mga panahong iyon. Nakakaiyak balikan ang mga alaala pero nangyari na. Nakapulot ako ng mga aral sa Brod ko na yon. Kaya ganoon nalang ang respeto ko sa kanya at sa mga binitawan nyang payo at paalala bago sya umalis. "Hindi laging mahirap, gagaan din yan balang araw." Totoo nga, honest ang Brod ko na ito.
Balik sa kasalukuyang panahon, nagkaharap kami muli. Yung kwentuhan at usap talaga, syempre may kasamang alak pero konti lang naman (seryosong konti na ang sinasabi ko rito.) Sabi nya "Alam mo Brod, binibida kita dun sa Ex ko nung nagkita tayo minsan. Sabi ko sa kanya 'Yang Brod ko na yan, matigas ang itlog nyan.' syempre nagulat ako at natawa nang bahagya. "Matigas ang itlog?" Hahaha kahit ngayon natatawa parin ako pero dagdag nya "Kasi dumaan rin sa hirap ng pagsisimula ng pamilya, hindi bumitaw."
Ganun din naman ang tingin ko sa kanya. Matigas ang itlog. Umapaw sa bote ng beer ang respeto ko para sa kanya nung gabing yun. Dagdag pa roon, natandaan nya ang kwento ko at nai-share din sa iba. Kumbaga, tumatak din sa kanya ang rantings ko noon. Nakailang 'cheers' din kami at ilang bote ang naubos sa kakacheers na yun.
Noon una, nagbebenta raw sya ng sandwich sa mga ospital na binebentahan nya ng gamot, sideline kumbaga. Gourmet raw ang gimik para malakas ang hatak sa mga bumibili. Sa sobrang patok daw, mas malakas ang benta nyang mga sandwich noon kesa sa benta ng mga ospital at may nag pre-orders pa. Hanep. Kayod talaga.
Hindi ko inisip na makakahanap ako ng pampalakas ng loob sa mga taong minsan ko lang nakikita. Madalas kasi, puro mga balasubas ang kaharap ko sa inuman. Mga bastos haha pero may sense din naman kausap paminsan. Natutuwa ako at nakakilala ako ng mga taong tulad nila.
Wula langs, shinare ko lang.
Dumaan ako sa U.P. Diliman para bumisita sa mga kakilala (kakilala dahil sila lang talaga ang kilala ko sa UPD) na nagkataon namang mga Brods ko lahat. Tumambay kami, bisita lang naman talaga para makapagkakwentuhan uli. Matagal na rin kasi simula noong nagkakwentuhan talaga kami. Bukod sa mga kalokohan ng pagiging mga lalake ay nagkaayaan na rin uminom nang kaunti. Sabagay, kaunti lang naman ang nainom mo pag nakakauwi ka pa ng bahay mo (lalo na kung tatawid ka pa ng probinsya para makauwi.)
Dumating ang isang Brod ko galing trabaho, matagal ko na rin siyang kilala. Nagkakilala kami sa tambayang ito rin, 2 years ago siguro. Noong nagsa-summer classes ako sa unibersidad para makagraduate na rin sa wakas. Di ko alam, madedelay pa rin ako ng isa pang taon. Maaliwalas kausap ang taong ito, maraming kwento, maraming tawa sa mga iba't-ibang bagay mula sa babae hanggang sa mga kalokohan ng pagiging isang estudyante, palangiti rin sya. Basta, maaliwalas.
Noong nag-aaral ako sa Baguio ay nagkataon namang umakyat sya para sa isang business meeting. Tumambay naman kami sa tambayan namin doon, sa hagdanan. Same old, same old pa rin. Kwento, tawa, kain, at iba pa. Nung paalis na sya, hinatid namin sya sa sakayan ng bus pero bago yun, tumumba muna kami ng ilang bote ng Red Horse bilang Bon Voyage sa kanyang 7-hour trip pabalik ng Maynila. Doon ko sya mas lubos na nakilala.
Mahirap kasi makahanap ng mga taong kapareho mo ng pinagdaanan sa buhay. Hindi naman katulad na katulad sa bawat detalye kundi yung may kapareho mo ng pananaw sa mga pangyayari sa buhay mo. Gaya ko, maaga rin sya nagkaroon ng pamilya. Naikwento nya ang istorya nila noon ng ex nya (ex dahil asawa na nya ngayon, magandang panggulat sa mga tao kasi witty at makulit, anyhow) at ang mga panahon ng paggapang nila para makabuo ng pamilya. Pagsisimula: lagi namang simula ang mahirap. Natuwa ako dahil may nakakaintindi sa akin, gulong-gulo kasi ako ng mga panahong iyon. Nakakaiyak balikan ang mga alaala pero nangyari na. Nakapulot ako ng mga aral sa Brod ko na yon. Kaya ganoon nalang ang respeto ko sa kanya at sa mga binitawan nyang payo at paalala bago sya umalis. "Hindi laging mahirap, gagaan din yan balang araw." Totoo nga, honest ang Brod ko na ito.
Balik sa kasalukuyang panahon, nagkaharap kami muli. Yung kwentuhan at usap talaga, syempre may kasamang alak pero konti lang naman (seryosong konti na ang sinasabi ko rito.) Sabi nya "Alam mo Brod, binibida kita dun sa Ex ko nung nagkita tayo minsan. Sabi ko sa kanya 'Yang Brod ko na yan, matigas ang itlog nyan.' syempre nagulat ako at natawa nang bahagya. "Matigas ang itlog?" Hahaha kahit ngayon natatawa parin ako pero dagdag nya "Kasi dumaan rin sa hirap ng pagsisimula ng pamilya, hindi bumitaw."
Ganun din naman ang tingin ko sa kanya. Matigas ang itlog. Umapaw sa bote ng beer ang respeto ko para sa kanya nung gabing yun. Dagdag pa roon, natandaan nya ang kwento ko at nai-share din sa iba. Kumbaga, tumatak din sa kanya ang rantings ko noon. Nakailang 'cheers' din kami at ilang bote ang naubos sa kakacheers na yun.
Noon una, nagbebenta raw sya ng sandwich sa mga ospital na binebentahan nya ng gamot, sideline kumbaga. Gourmet raw ang gimik para malakas ang hatak sa mga bumibili. Sa sobrang patok daw, mas malakas ang benta nyang mga sandwich noon kesa sa benta ng mga ospital at may nag pre-orders pa. Hanep. Kayod talaga.
Hindi ko inisip na makakahanap ako ng pampalakas ng loob sa mga taong minsan ko lang nakikita. Madalas kasi, puro mga balasubas ang kaharap ko sa inuman. Mga bastos haha pero may sense din naman kausap paminsan. Natutuwa ako at nakakilala ako ng mga taong tulad nila.
Wula langs, shinare ko lang.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
napakarandom ng post na to
Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng meron sa "Skinny Love" ni Birdy (oo, Birdy ang pangalan nya at sya ay menor de edad, shame on you) pero nakakakati ulit-ulitin.
Malungkot pero maganda. At ang konsepto ng isang 'skinny love' ay parang masarap palawakin. Ba't nga ba 'skinny?' Skinny jeans? Payat lang talaga? Siguro nga payat lang. Kulang? Ewan. Mahirap ipaliwanag nang buo pero parang masarap isipin.
Naalala ko tuloy 'nung una kong nalaman ang ibig sabihin ng salitang 'melancholy.' Tatay ko pa ang nagsabi nun, of all people, inisip ko 'nung bata ako tho mas naiintindihan ko na ngayon. Marami rin syang pwedeng ikalungkot.
Shet ang deep ng sugat ng melancholic na tao. Depressed in spirits? Damn right.
Sumasali pa ang "Ghost of a Good Thing" ng Dashboard Confessional. Bwisit kang iPod ka, bakit kasi gumana ka pa uli. Patay ka na e.
Malungkot pero maganda. At ang konsepto ng isang 'skinny love' ay parang masarap palawakin. Ba't nga ba 'skinny?' Skinny jeans? Payat lang talaga? Siguro nga payat lang. Kulang? Ewan. Mahirap ipaliwanag nang buo pero parang masarap isipin.
Naalala ko tuloy 'nung una kong nalaman ang ibig sabihin ng salitang 'melancholy.' Tatay ko pa ang nagsabi nun, of all people, inisip ko 'nung bata ako tho mas naiintindihan ko na ngayon. Marami rin syang pwedeng ikalungkot.
Shet ang deep ng sugat ng melancholic na tao. Depressed in spirits? Damn right.
Sumasali pa ang "Ghost of a Good Thing" ng Dashboard Confessional. Bwisit kang iPod ka, bakit kasi gumana ka pa uli. Patay ka na e.
Monday, October 1, 2012
bittersweet in my teeth
"Sana lahat sila'y kaya kong kilalanin.
There was never a shortage of women in my life. Starting with my mother: man, I thought she was the greatest woman that had ever lived. Juggling three jobs at once to make ends meet, keeping up with the saintly shit that the world has passed on to her, being an educator when she gets home, being the 'all work, no play' person in her group of friends and so much more. Not even a stick of tobacco nor a drop of liquor. She was a handful and it's kind of sad since I didn't get to really meet her when she was here. She drifted along with the many women in my life that could have mattered more.
She had me thinking and philosophizing on the roles of women in the home, in the heart and in the mind. 'Son, you never hold a woman to a post just to beat her up and throw her away when you're done. That is a bad thing to do.' And I watched her put up with that abuse until she withered away, uncanonized by whatever church she ruefully believed in. She was gone now, so I thought I could honor her by standing with what she told me.
The many women that have come and gone in my life are not what I had imagined. I just looked up to the sky and asked "Why, mom? Why would you say such a cruel thing?' They were characters in stories that I've only read before. They were amazing, they were addictions, they were addicts, they were sinful, they were glorious, they were iridescent, they were physical manifestations of rules and exceptions. And those things that I just said of them were just part of the rolling summary.
What makes me wonder is that I stuck with those women. Maybe it still stems from those pointy words but they were flawed and pretty because of that. They loved me and I loved them. To make things clear, I am not objectifying women. No, no, no Sir. This is a celebration.
I was in love once with a misunderstood girl. She misunderstood me at the end, as well and ended what we had on a misunderstood night. We took each other in but I guess we really couldn't last for more than a year. She was long gone before I got the chance to explain things. Shit.
I was in love with a friend but I realized we'd soon have to outgrow that. Whoever said friendship couldn't be outgrown must have had very good friends.We outgrew ours. I really can't remember who said that, maybe I just made it up to make myself feel good for our times. We never talked after that. I guess we're still friends, though we still don't know that.
I was in love with a girl before, though it was too late to confess. We brushed it off. I knew her and she knew me but we were on different pages. We were both too late.
I was in love with an immoral woman with such crooked ideas of morality. We made each other cry but for good reasons. We both didn't want to be in the losing end. I sometimes wonder what my mother would have said if I told her stories about that woman. We had sickly truncated notions of good and bad. We never worked but we loved each other, all and the same. She was sweet, that was my utter downfall.
Another thing that bugs me is the fact that I'd rather replay those scenarios all over again rather than imagine new and perfect futures with women so perfect, so pretty, so cool and forgiving. Maybe it's due to the fact that I see those future women as 'not as real' as the women I've known.
I was grounded by the fact that their existence were just thoughts of fantasy and make believe. I had cut my connection to the women in my distant and recent past. I guess I never got hold of what my sweet dead mother told me. It's that or I got it the wrong way."
There was never a shortage of women in my life. Starting with my mother: man, I thought she was the greatest woman that had ever lived. Juggling three jobs at once to make ends meet, keeping up with the saintly shit that the world has passed on to her, being an educator when she gets home, being the 'all work, no play' person in her group of friends and so much more. Not even a stick of tobacco nor a drop of liquor. She was a handful and it's kind of sad since I didn't get to really meet her when she was here. She drifted along with the many women in my life that could have mattered more.
She had me thinking and philosophizing on the roles of women in the home, in the heart and in the mind. 'Son, you never hold a woman to a post just to beat her up and throw her away when you're done. That is a bad thing to do.' And I watched her put up with that abuse until she withered away, uncanonized by whatever church she ruefully believed in. She was gone now, so I thought I could honor her by standing with what she told me.
The many women that have come and gone in my life are not what I had imagined. I just looked up to the sky and asked "Why, mom? Why would you say such a cruel thing?' They were characters in stories that I've only read before. They were amazing, they were addictions, they were addicts, they were sinful, they were glorious, they were iridescent, they were physical manifestations of rules and exceptions. And those things that I just said of them were just part of the rolling summary.
What makes me wonder is that I stuck with those women. Maybe it still stems from those pointy words but they were flawed and pretty because of that. They loved me and I loved them. To make things clear, I am not objectifying women. No, no, no Sir. This is a celebration.
I was in love once with a misunderstood girl. She misunderstood me at the end, as well and ended what we had on a misunderstood night. We took each other in but I guess we really couldn't last for more than a year. She was long gone before I got the chance to explain things. Shit.
I was in love with a friend but I realized we'd soon have to outgrow that. Whoever said friendship couldn't be outgrown must have had very good friends.We outgrew ours. I really can't remember who said that, maybe I just made it up to make myself feel good for our times. We never talked after that. I guess we're still friends, though we still don't know that.
I was in love with a girl before, though it was too late to confess. We brushed it off. I knew her and she knew me but we were on different pages. We were both too late.
I was in love with an immoral woman with such crooked ideas of morality. We made each other cry but for good reasons. We both didn't want to be in the losing end. I sometimes wonder what my mother would have said if I told her stories about that woman. We had sickly truncated notions of good and bad. We never worked but we loved each other, all and the same. She was sweet, that was my utter downfall.
Another thing that bugs me is the fact that I'd rather replay those scenarios all over again rather than imagine new and perfect futures with women so perfect, so pretty, so cool and forgiving. Maybe it's due to the fact that I see those future women as 'not as real' as the women I've known.
I was grounded by the fact that their existence were just thoughts of fantasy and make believe. I had cut my connection to the women in my distant and recent past. I guess I never got hold of what my sweet dead mother told me. It's that or I got it the wrong way."
...
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