Wednesday, March 19, 2014

We are a beautiful accident

If there ever comes a time that our memories of each other get erased in a freak accident or some sort of cruel science experiment, I’ll freely accept it. If that means meeting you again for the first time, getting lost in your big brown eyes for what seems like an eternity for the first time, getting deaf and blind from our first kiss and knowing you again inside and out for the first time.

I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

I would very much like the prospect of things falling into place once more even if it means having to go through hell and back again.

If we are to collide into each other again, I’d gladly do it even if it crushes me. There is no perfect love and right now as I’m still able to feel you, even just so faintly, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you.

I love you even when I hate you. I love you even when I hurt. I love you even when I cry. I love you even if I’m the meanest person in the world to you at some times. We are not perfect, accidents are not perfect. Accidents are nowhere near good.

But us, as this sort of cosmic display of fuck-ups and heartbreaks is good, as I believe and think it to be. You are lost as I am. Only that I have known what it’s like to lose you. Will you cry if you lose me, too? Probably not. But you know what? That’s okay. Since I can’t unlove you even if I tried. I can’t even get to make myself think of not having you in my world.

So if ever, just in case, you forget me in that freak accident or science experiment, remember the day when we had nothing but ourselves. And that we had no fear, we had not a single doubt, and that we loved each other to the core of our bones – the souls of our existence. For even if that accident kills me, I think I would have died in great happiness.

And I pledge to myself everyday until I forget you – or until my brain does not function properly anymore to recognize your face – I love you. Some accidents can do that, make the mind forget what the heart has been fighting all its life for.

Undoing our past may lighten my heart a thousand times more than it is now but it would be empty. And I wouldn’t want that. Not in this lifetime, maybe not even the next if there is a next lifetime for me. All I know is I love you. This run-in we had is something I can’t recreate with someone else.

But there is one thing that I hope will still happen when we forget each other completely – I still wish to dream of you. I know that dreams are real but somehow, I think that dreams about you will make me believe them even if I hadn’t seen you yet in my blank slate of a world. And who knows, we might be in another accident together.

Dreams are meant for those who sleep. I hope I still crash into you there. Although, you are real. And accidents leave a mark. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and not wonder how I got all these scars.

1 comment: