"I am writing now with a heavy heart. And the only therapy I
can think of is to put all of my emotions and thoughts into words. It’s the
only thing I know how to do, now. I just let go of something that I’ve held on
to for a lot of years.
I am only now realizing the importance of presence. It is
difficult to be far away from the people you love and care for. It is a
sickness that just eats at your chest and bores a hole into your being. In the
first few months it can be liberating but as time goes on, you just try to
convince yourself that it everything is fine. You lie to yourself every time
you look at your reflection in the mirror. You try to keep in the emotional
vomit that puts a knot in your throat and crashing against your teeth. Although
you try your hardest to make them feel that you’re never gone, just far away;
it almost always never works out. And it is more painful to think that you’ve
been let go without you knowing. That they have cut the tether and that you are
drifting away. You really do feel like you’ve drifted away, only, it hits you
all at the same time.
As I write this, I feel like shattering into a million
shards of glass. Every breath is an effort. Merely focusing my eyes becomes
labor. My head is heavy with thoughts that eat at me. My chest is a gruesome
hole. I wish it was just physical. I scraped my right elbow last night as I
grovelled and pleaded. They were to no avail.
There are different types of love but I’m only going to
define two of them. The first one being romantic love – the feeling of a first
kiss, the exhilarating rush of meeting someone new and instantly hitting it off
from the get-go. It’s the kind of love that is fuelled by passion. You are just
spinning and you don’t care if you fall off the edges of the world. It’s the
kind of love that makes you high.
And the other is the kind of love that does not make you
flutter in excitement but it makes you do things you didn’t think you were
capable of doing. It is the kind of love that holds on as long as it takes,
endures pain, and trusts wholly. It is the kind of love that does not just
think about butterflies in your stomach but wonders at night if you’re doing
fine, if you’re sleeping tightly and that if you’re feeling better after a
skull-cracking bout of migraine. It is the kind of love that fights for you,
fights with you, and shares every drop of blood and tear you’ve shed. It is the
kind of love that puts you in a pedestal not as an item but as a human being
worth of all admiration and respect. It is the kind of love that lingers even
if it’s extinguished again and again. It is the kind of love that dims down to
let you shine. It is the kind of love that understands your inner storms and
tries to calm them with a touch of their hands and a kiss on the forehead. It is
the kind of love that weakens at some point but never truly dies. It is the
kind of love that is not perfect but is better than your ideal love since it is
real. It is the kind of love that will never look at you and judge you. It is
the kind of love that never leaves even if you command it to. It is the kind of
love that’s made for the long haul, it will endure even if you’re both gone. It
is the kind of love that tells you the truth and teaches you how to see the lies
that coat every sweet word and gesture. It is the kind of love that nurtures
you. It is the kind of love that refuses to look away even if there’s almost
nothing to see. It is the kind of love is with you all the time but doesn’t
brag about its presence. It is the kind of love that sticks to you until the
end or whenever it feels like it. It is the kind of love that holds your hand
while you both imagine a future together. It is the kind of love that sees only
a promise of tomorrow if you’re in it. It is the kind of love that loves you
not because you are shiny and beautiful but because you are the only person
they know how to love and care for. It is the kind of love that reserves only
the best for you because you’re the only one they deem worthy of it. It is the
kind of love that is reserved, timid, and quiet but goes deeper than what you
first imagined. It is the kind of love that lives for you.
Which one would you prefer?
To the world, you want to be someone. But to someone, you
are the world. To them, you are stardust - the reason for their existence. Will
you return the favor and make their world spin? Will you grow to be their
universe? Will you talk to the stars and tell them thank you for making your
paths cross? Will you stay until the end – when the fight is over and all you
can hear is static? Will you hold the hand that never meant to hurt you and
only wished to give you everything? Will you be stardust?
Walking away is the most painful think I imagine myself
doing. But what happens then if it’s the only choice? How can you take a step
away from the source of your beliefs and hopes? I wonder what that first step
will feel like. I imagine it to be a fall off a cliff. At one moment you’ll
feel like it’s an infinite plunge and then suddenly it stops. You’ve just taken
the first step, how does the idea of falling again and again sound to you as
you think about the number of steps you need to take to truly walk away? Or how
about, you turn around and just stay?"
